Star Trek Based Masturbation Plagues EECS

EECS Department heads have released statistics exposing a sharp rise in incidents of Star Trek based masturbation among EECS students. Although cases involving Captain Janeway have dropped 15%, cases involving Seven-of-Nine, Lt. Dax and Jean Luc Picard have risen 18%, 12% and 5% respectively.

C.S. Professor Paul Hilfinger discussed plans to combat the rise. “We plan to help our students diversify their masturbation experience by recommending subjects outside the Star Trek universe, while still staying in the familiar Sci-Fi realm.” Officials also guaranteed not to attempt blacking out Star Trek reruns, pointing to an attempt made in 1993 that resulted in small scale riots around Soda Hall.