New Retrofit For International House

In conjunction with a massive earthquake retrofitting job, the university is taking steps to ensure that all dormitory areas in the International House are suicide-proof. “The idea has been hanging around for a year or so,” university spokesman Ronald Punani said. “Early this summer, I was at a bar with my boss, drinking kamikazes, and lsitening to Nirvana when the idea came to life. He really liked it – just about fell out the window with excitement.”

Each room in the I-House will be carefully redesigned to reduce avenues for self-immolation. Jagged edges will be smoothed, windows barred shut, mirrors replaced with unbreakable plexiglas, and circus clocks programmed to sing and dance on the half hour to alleviate depression. “It’s a tough problem, but we can’t just slit our wrists and watch them bleed,” Punani said.

When asked if the friends of recent suicide vctims would be upset by such a plan, he responded, “Fuck ’em. Where were these so-called ‘friends’ when it counted? These damn suicides cost us thousands in lost fees. And why the hell does the I-House look like a mosque? Isn’t this a Christian country?” Our Squelch correspondent walked out at this point in the interview.