Astronomers Prove Expansion

Several members of the Berkeley astronomy department released compelling evidence that Freshman Denise Watkins is expanding at an ever-increasing rate. “The latest red shift data clearly shows that Denise has exceeded what we like to call the ‘Freshman 15′ threshold,” said Astronomer Professor Alexi Filippenko. “We expect this growth to continue indefinitely.” This contradicts the theory of Watkins’ roommate, who claims that Watkins is merely oscillating in size and will eventually contract back to her original state. When asked about the latest findings, Watkins broke down in tears and proceeded to devour an entire Sara Lee Poundcake.