Last October, on the heels of a controversial $2 billion deal between French Total Oil Group and an internationally embargoed Iran, French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin responded to U.S. Protests by stating, “Nobody accepts that the U.S. can pass a law on a global scale.”
Not more than five years have elapsed since the collapse of Soviet Russia, and already the French have once again become courageous-this time, boldly asserting their natural born right to dictate global policy. I think a majority of Americans would agree with me when I say that it is time we put an end to this insolence, once and for all. No matter what methods we use to discipline them, it will be desirable to attain an effect which is maximally devastating. So the question becomes: What do the French hate the most?
Rearming the Germans with 21st century weaponry is probably not the best idea, seeing how they tend to get a little carried away once they start crossing borders. Neither is inundating the French with soap and other hygiene products a viable option. (The everyday supervision of 25 million Frenchmen in the shower would be logistically impossible, not to mention disgusting). What other means, then, are left at our disposal? The answer, my fellow countrymen, is to be found in one powerful word: DISNEY. Think about it. The French scream bloody murder at the slightest hint of American pop-culture influence on their precious little traditions. So why not send them the most vulgar and upsetting tour de force of mediocre Americana that we as a country possess? A summary of my very practical plan for French Disneyfication is as follows:
With newly promoted 5-star General Michael Eisner overseeing operations, we send 2nd Army under the command of Lt. General Goofy to make an amphibious landing on the Normandy coast. (The British will cooperate with this expedition since, besides the recent “accidental” death of a certain princess in Paris, they have a historical loathing for the French). Meanwhile, we send the Marine 4th and 5th divisions under the leadership of, you guessed it, Lt. Col. Donald E. Duck to secure the topless beaches and luxury holiday resorts of the Riviera. Once these immensely strategical beachheads are established, we let’em have it: Bambi, Hercules, Chip, Dale and the entire cast of the Mighty Ducks all take part in a merciless push towards the capital, Paris. Only when French parliamentary rule has been relinquished to the new Mickey Government, can the real fun begin.
STEP 2 (Reconstruction of French Society Under The EuroDisney Model)
So it failed the first time from lack of attendance, did it? Not Again. After all, how can a Frenchman not attend a EuroDisney which now encompasses his entire country? Division of French territory into mini-theme lands will be a pleasure unparalleled in prior American imperialism. Gone will be the art museums, cafes, wineries, and other useless institutions of a confused society. In their place: Animatronic theme-rides, electrical parades, and of course, over-priced beer gardens. Endless droves of Japanese tourists will wait in line to ride the newly-converted Eiffel Tower roller coaster while elderly folk will relax in the shade of the Arc de Triomphe, now on Main Street, USA.
One can easily imagine the countless benefits made possible through such improvements. Although the French Nationals may initially spit from the Skyride, exclaiming, “les cochons Americans!”, in the end the damned Huguenots will thank us. For we will have brought civilization to a Peugeot-driving, gruyere-eating, untamed land.