Completely Unsubstantiated Rumors

Y2K? WHY NOT?: By now, most intelligent citizens and a few people who live in New Hampshire have heard of the Y2K problem. Some may have confused this with the ESPN2 problem, and those unfortunate souls will be left in the dark when their bank accounts are destroyed like yesterday’s burrito. When the year 2000 hits this little pebble we call Earth, we’re all in for a crapper of a time. What’s that you say? People are working ’round the clock on solving this little problem that when it hits will set off all nuclear weapons in the world and make browsing the web for free porn impossible? I scoff at you and your naivete. Have you seen the people they have working on this problem? A popular television news magazine recently ran footage of some poor Indian woman with three kids crawling all over her while she worked on a Tandy 3000, and cited her as a vital component to the solution. Many of our so-called saviors are so bitter from years of scorn and insult that they are choosing not to help and instead are working for the enemy, attempting to speed up time by increasing the time it takes the earth to revolve around the sun. Bastards.

RYAN TATE-CLOSET LESBIAN: Anonymous sources have disclosed that former Daily Cal Editor-In-Chief and current Daily Cal smear artist is in fact a lesbian. This fact, recently brought to light by a conscientious informer, may have created a conflict of interest regarding Mr. Tate’s former position, as he was in constant and sometimes intimate contact with a number of females who simply assumed him to be gay. Mush-Mush has gathered photographs and other documents that clearly show Mr. Tate involved in sexual relationships with a well-known Rockridge prostitute, known to her Johns as Big Bertha. For more than six months, UC Berkeley’s most recognizable hack has frequented Bertha’s den of illicit pleasure, sometimes twice a night

A HAAS IS A HAAS, OF COURSE OF COURSE: Cal basketball fans may be disheartened to learn that the much-hyped Haas Pavilion will not open as scheduled. Citing a shortage of steel and an overwhelming desire to go home early, pop open a brewski, and scratch their asses, the world’s slowest construction workers have set a new opening date of January 21st, 2004. Meanwhile, student season ticket holders will continue to be given the worst seats in the New Oakland Arena.

NOT NAMING NAMES-UC BERKELEY’S COMMONERS: It has come to the attention of Mush-Mush that nearly 29,996 students were admitted to the university without inquiries made on their behalf by generous donors. Names, addresses, phone numbers, preferred T-shirt sizes, SAT scores, social security numbers, and high school class mottoes of all of these “students” will be posted online at Upon hearing of the posting of these facts, the Office of the Chancellor contacted Mush-Mush, saying, “You realize how stupid you are, don’t you? Silly monkey, journalism is for big boys. Now go play with your Lincoln Logs and make a fort, okay sugar-kins?”

Ben wonders why these people continue to milk their withered teats for Daily Cal columns, despite the that they have been declared unfunny, narcissistic, and incontinent by God himself. You can give Ben a titty twister by mailing him at