Why We Should Just All Be Gay

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”
– Genesis 2:22-23

Times have changed considerably since Genesis was written. People are busy becoming one flesh all over the place: on TV, in movies, in the back corner of Wheeler Auditorium…just about everywhere but inside Soda Hall. And can you imagine two people of the opposite sex being naked, presumably in broad daylight, with neither of them being ashamed? Not in this millenium.

The problem is that men and women simply aren’t as close as they used to be. Once upon a time, the Bible says, woman was made out of a man’s rib bone. There’s a part of me somewhere that wants to throw up my hands and yell, “Dammit, bitch, I gave up a fucking rib for you! Gimme my rib back, you ungrateful slut! I should’ve divorced you after that whole mysterious snake incident!” But then, I reconsider and realize that would be patently absurd. Therefore, I offer a more modest proposal: We should just all be gay.

You see, you would be hard-pressed to find someone who thinks men and women have a lot in common. Anyone truly honest will readily admit that there’s only one thing keeping men and women from going postal on each other: sex.

And even in sex men and women have vastly different needs. Consider this hypothetical, and not at all autobiographical, conversation between two opposite gender folks in the throes of passion:

Woman: [panting] Oh, yes, yes… Lick it there!

Man: [slurping sounds]

Woman: No, you passed it.

Man: Here? [slurp]

Woman: No, no…to your left.

Man: Over here? [slurp]

Woman: That’s my knee.

Man: Forget it! I came half an hour ago! I’m going to go watch the Raiders game!

This is clearly a mess. Now, consider a scenario taking place between two guys:

Man #1: “You come?”

Man #2: “Yeah. You?”

Man #1: “Yeah. Grab a beer?”

Man #2: “Sure.”

Men and women have similar problems understanding each other’s concepts of intimacy and romance. For example, members of both sexes are well-aware of the ever-important problem of “Will he call me tomorrow?” Here is another theoretical example that has nothing to do with my own previous inadequacy:

Man: Baby, that was great.

Woman: Yeah.


Woman: (Tentatively) I love you.

Man: [unidentifiable muttering]

Woman: What?

Man: I said, I…really really like you.

Woman: [sighs, defeated] Will you at least call me tomorrow?

Man: [agonizing silence, followed by Man rushing out of the bedroom and down the street, wearing only a pair of tiger-striped Speedos and a mismatched pair of socks]

And now, the all-male version. Note, however, that men don’t need to confirm whether the sex was good. Any sex is good sex, which saves a lot of pillow talk.

Man #1: So, will you call tomorrow?

Man #2: No.

Man #1: Ok. Same time next week then? And it’s your turn to bring the rubbers…

These are only a few examples of how humankind will benefit if men and women split off from one another, especially for sexual purposes. We can always get together to procreate, but with so many people on earth, I don’t expect extinction to be a problem. If anything, homosexuality is the best form of birth control (aside from abstinence, but we all know no one wants to see abstinence take over).

And for those women in the crowd, I’m sure you can apply these arguments to your own lives. And if you’re not imaginative enough to do so, I’m not going to do it for you. I already gave you my fucking rib, and now I’m done with your kind. Bitches.