In what may prove to be the dumbest thing in history, ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong set aside in excess of $43,000 for the Spitfire spoken word tour’s visit to UC Berkeley. Though attendance is predicted at somewhere over four, Berkeley officials see no reason to beef up security or make special parking arrangements. “If we start expecting more than ten or fifteen attendees, we may have to make some changes,” Mayor Surly Dean said.
The featured speakers are excited about the event, despite the fact that no one will show up. “I’m stoked,” Krist Noveselic, former crappy Nirvana bassist and current loser said. “Since I killed Kurt, I mean, since Kurt died, I really haven’t been very busy. Now I have a chance to sound completely clueless in front of upwards of thirteen students.” Former MTV veejay Kennedy, the one Kennedy who actually deserves to “be assassinated, offered a sample of her poetry at a recent press conference.
“A dead baby seal, starving children, apathetic voters, God how I’d love to bang Gavin from Bush.” Members of the press attempted to bludgeon her with microphones, but the fuzzy coverings acted as cushions, and she survived with only moderate facial disfiguration. “I think this really shows the politically active focus of the ASUC,” External V.P. Preston Taylor said regarding the affair. “We’re putting our money where our mouth is. In fact, we’re putting our money everywhere. At this point, we’re looking for any way to get rid of it. Do you possibly know any students with outstanding MasterCard debts?”