How To Be Intense

I am an intellectual aesthete in the most sublime sense of the word, and you can be too. It is not at all hard to be Intense, and the rewards are plentiful. When people talk about the Intense, they use words like “aloof,” “intellectual,” and “profound.” Sometimes even “brilliant.” They look and think, wow, man, he’s so deep. Being Intense intimidates little children and impresses the majority of your peers. It also gets you laid. Oh, and don’t worry about suppressing your personality or being perpetually maudlin, because you’ll forget that you’re behaving like an asshole after the first several years. So go at it, be Intense, with these following guidelines:

  1. Wear a lot of black. We’re talking like your wardrobe suddenly got very depressed. Try to get a pair of black glasses, even if you’ve got perfect vision. Turtlenecks and boots are good.
  2. Try to be very pale. This signifies a lack of tanning and an aversion to sports, which is entertainment for bourgeois America.
  3. Listen to the Smiths and Morrissey. Take great interest in Nietzche and existential philosophy in general.
  4. Try to look depressed. Speak very little and barely acknowledge people.
  5. Learn to love cafes. Not so much Strada as Wall Berlin.
  6. Be arrogant and talk about other people with controlled scorn and deprecation.
  7. Major in Comparative Literature or Philosophy.
  8. Mock the middle class and use the word “bourgeois” a lot.
  9. Try not to work-Corporate America is your aesthetic nemesis.
  10. It’s Wine. Never Beer. If you are caught dead with beer in your possession, reanimate yourself and properly dispose of this foul symbol of frathouse mundanity before dying a decent death. As for wine, it should be red, because it looks good with black.
  11. Write nonsensical poetry about your angst and how you don’t really care about alienating other people or looking ridiculously dejected for the rest of your life.