Puff Daddy Composes Original Work

Millionaire hack Sean “Puffy” Combs shocked the music industry this week when he announced that he had recorded a song that he had written entirely by himself. The rapper, who has become notorious for reaping the rewards of other people’s talents, said that he began working on the song in response to the criticism he had been getting for his methods.

The work has drawn a rather poor reaction from music critics. One Vibe Magazine critic described the recording as “a musical abortion,” adding that “never before in the history of mankind has a person devised such a diabolical creation.” Another critic summed up his reaction simply by saying, “There is no God.”

Fearing that the song’s release would lead to the breakdown of the very fabric of society, Puffy’s label originally planned to destroy the only copy of the material and try to put the horrible memory behind them. Their plans changed, however, when funk soul brother Fat Boy Slim offered to remix the song. “I’ve found seven point eight seconds about halfway through the song that is actually of reasonable quality,” Slim said. “So what I plan to do is loop this portion over and over again for about four and a half minutes. I may add some rhythmless drums in the background, too.” Representatives from both Puffy and Slim’s labels are excited about this project, mainly because the remix has the potential to be played to death by both hip-hop and alternative radio stations.

When asked for comment, Down’s Syndrome patient-turned-Puff Daddy crony Ma$e said, “Yeah.”