A Broad Abroad

So I was watching a dubbed Scott Baio movie when it occurred to me, “Hey, I’m in Spain.” I can see Scott Baio’s appeal in this country. He’s a true stud of the Mediterranean variety: he’s got the tight jeans and hairy chest to prove it, both highly valued traits in Spain. Muy macho.

Now we’ve all heard of the term Eurotrash, but really, what is the above if not Ameritrash? Ameritrash is America’s #1 export. Foil House, Metallica ballads, and Joey Lawrence all fall under this category. I can only nod and smile when these things are praised in my presence, because I’d like to wait a few months before revealing to all of Spain my intolerance of absolutely everything. In the meantime I shall spin my web innocently dorky Americanness until their toilets will cough up the George Clooney Calendar of Stubble Close-Ups. By then all Spaniards will have said, “Yes, Ayala. I WILL help you with your reflexive verbs. Go fuck yourself.”

In spite of the aforementioned Ameritrash, I’ve seen a lot of amazing things here that are uniquely Spanish. For example, the art, the architecture, and most importantly, the junk food titles. The main brand of popcorn is called Happy Crack, the cheap cookies are Tit Bits, and the more expensive vending machine brand is called Filipinos. Only in Spain can you find a racist cookie, the Spanish counterpart to the politically correct ones at Fresh Blend.

The best thing about Spain is, of course, the people. I was on the subway one night trying to look intimidating when the little girl sitting across from me pointed to my silver knee-highs and said, “Aren’t you ashamed to be wearing those?” Kids say the darndest things! In hell, this child will learn never to break the Code of Subway Aloofness, but by then it will be too late. The midgets here are very forward as well. My friend was lying on the beach when one dumped cold water on her back and yelled “Fuck off. Flower” before running away. (He should take an example from that episode of Baywatch with the midget and the ungrateful son. His low self-esteem is given theme by a horrible song in the background about “acting tall”. He winds up rescuing someone from drowning, therefore resolving his confidence issues).

The campus traditions are fun, too. They include: smoking cigarettes while looking angry and instigating anarchist revolutions. If Chachi gets a new hairdo, it’s a clear sign that anarchy really has broken loose. If I can get a new Inquisition on the agenda , one in which all Spice Girls merchandise is expelled from Spain, consider me there.