An Objective Look at Cal Cheerleaders

On several occasions. I’ve been forced to sit through a spectacle more frightening than an all-night Step by Step marathon. Yes kiddies. I’m talking about Cat’s cheerleaders. It’s a well-known fact that the “No fruit, glass, or cans” rule at Memorial Stadium was instated to protect the cheerleaders from the popular game known as “Bean the Skank,” where points arc scored by pegging cheerleaders with various blunt objects and knocking them off their makeshift stages (extra points are awarded if the cheerleader stops smiling during the assault). So why the insatiable hatred? I’ll tell you why. It’s down right embarrassing to be at a game where the other team’s cheerleaders are flipping, tumbling, and getting swung around, while our cheerleaders are flailing around like a group of epileptic rejects from MTV’s ‘The Grind.” Even the strangely homoerotic pushup routines done by the USC Trojan [Insert Condom Joke Here] male cheerleaders arc far more entertaining than anything our girls have to offer.

After thorough observations 1 have concluded that our cheerleaders have a total of four dance steps, summarized as follows:

The Funky Chicken
Self-explanatory. I believe it’s actually a warped mutation of the original dance. The fact that they actually get down on their knees and peck at grain is a nice touch.
The Spank
In this sweet little move, they make spanking motions at their rear ends while gesturing wildly with the other hand. What does this move mean? I interpret it as their admission that they deserve to be beaten with lead pipes. Either that or they’re clearing the air from a synchronized fart.
The Can-Can
And believe me. they Will-Will.
The Look at Me, I’m Just Like Richard Simmons Dance
This is the move they do when they run out of ideas. This routine consists of the cheerleaders doing aerobics on the platform until people get tired of throwing things at them.
Sometimes they think of new routines that manage to lower them to a whole new level. At the Bear Bash a while back, they showcased some new moves along with a hip new outfit consisting of sweatpants and a bra. Way to go girls, attaining the feel of kickback comfort without sacrificing your signature look of whoredom. However, I think it may have been a good idea to have gotten something to. fill up those bras with beforehand. I was actually impressed by the physique of | one girl who appeared to have a six pack. When I looked closer, however. I realized it was just her ribs.

Performing to a song by Aaliyah, they kicked, turned, and belly flopped to their heart’s desire, still managing to be completely out of sync with each other. Oddly enough, the gist of the Aaliyah song can be summed up as. “You got me pregnant, now what?” How appropriate. How very, very appropriate.

They don’t flip, they have no gymnastic capabilities, and the only way you could ever get them to jump would be by dangling French fries over their heads. My suggestion is to throw all of them out and replace them with the Men’s Gymnastics Team. They’re national champions, they’re much prettier, and they have significantly less body hair. Problem solved. But what, you ask, is to become of the dispossessed cheerleaders? Can you say “disposable offensive line”? God knows it would be better than the one we have now.