Ask Optimus

Q: I’ve started a small Autobot militant group, but I’m having trouble getting them to attack. What should I say to motivate them?
–Heather Bergman

A: Autobots, transform!…And roll out!

Q: My family and I are proud Autobots, but my children are teased at school by Decepticon youth. The Decepticons often make fun of the fact that, while they can fly, the Autobot children cannot. My children have been really depressed and I fear that their desire to fly will turn them towards the reckless and indiscriminate and evil and very very bad pursuit of energon cubes. What should I do?

A: Flight envy is a common problem among Autobots (except for that little freak Cosmo, whatever the hell he’s supposed to be), particularly among Autobot youth. If your young warriors show signs of Decepticon sympathy, explain to them that Autobots fight for truth and justice, while Decepticons fight for sex and violence. If that doesn’t work, tell them that Optimus Prime himself will fuck their shit up if they even think about turning traitor.

As far as the teasing goes, here’s something that I often tell young Autobots to say to young Decepticons when being harassed. Simply have them pose the following quandary: “When Decepticon leader Megatron is in robot form, he’s taller than Starscreem. However, when he transforms into a gun, he fits in Starscreem’s hand. Explain that, you little Decepticon shit!” Usually, when faced with this puzzle, Decepticon children will either start crying immediately, or their processors will become so overloaded by the paradox that they will explode on site. Little shits.

Q: As a GoBot I often feel inferior to Transformers, and this sentiment transmits itself to my followers. I’ve tried therapy, support groups, self-help books…Nothing helps. Is there anything I can do to cure this depression and improve morale among my troops?
–Leader One

A: You can just bend over for my huge steel cock, you GoBot piece of shit. That’s right, you’re my little baby bitch, aren’t you, Leader One? Why don’t you “lead” my shlong into your mouth while Turbo licks my asshole? You cheap Taiwanese knockoffs make me sick! Stealing our airtime and merchandising money. You better hope that you never run into any Transformers, because if you do I’ll personally take Megatron into my hand and pop a fat plasma cap into your tight little fighter plane ass. PUSSY!

Q: Hey, Optimus, how come no matter where you are, if you transform into a big rig, your trailer rolls up right behind you? Why don’t we ever see it in the background when you’re just standing around?
–Morton McWheelihan

A: Well, that’s all the time we have for “Ask Optimus” this week. Keep those letters coming. (Except you, Leader One. I’ll fuck you up.)

Optimus Prime hails from Cybertron, and leads the Autobots in their weekly quest to return home and foil the deviant schemes of the Decepticons. He is the author of several best-selling books, inculding: My Autobot, Myself and How to Meet, Seduce, and Screw Sixteen Year Old Girls.