While wandering the Net on my brand new computer, I found what must be the next savage attempt to sabatoge my GPA and ruin my already crappy social life: Nintendo Emulation. By running a program such as Nesticle (don’t even ask), every classic game can be played right on your PC. Since I know we’re all a little rusty, here are some tips and comments on the Nintendo classics.
Mike Tyson’s Punchout- In this game, you play Little Mac (distant cousin of Kris Kross), an 100 pound weakling who beats the crap out of racial and ethnic stereotypes from around the world. As you might guess, this was a very inspirational game for me. After guessing the code to skip straight to Tyson, I was slightly surprised when he bit the hell out of my ear and then tried to fondle me.
Luke’s Tip- Press select between rounds and Coach (the big black guy who gets to ride a bike while you run your ass off in a pink jumpsuit) rubs your shoulder faster. Apparently this feels good, although you can’t see his other hand, so that might be part of it.
Pro Wrestling- This gem features such wrestling greats as King Korn Karn, Fighter Hiyabusa and King Slender (incidentally, also a condom brand). My favorite move is Hiyabusa’s “Back Brain Kick,” which leaves the opponent feeling like he just stood in a Sproul financial aid line for two hours (with Preacher Eddie and Yoshua yelling into each ear). In other words, ready to pin, baby! Besides two player mode, the best part is the expert Japanese to English translations. After defeating your opponent, the game happily exclaims “A Winner is You!” It don’t get any better than this, folks!
Luke’s Tip- By entering a secret code during the match, you can get your opponent to bend down and perform fellatio on you. Make sure you’re not outside the ring as you will surely exceed the 20 second limit. I’ve heard you can get the referee in on some three way action, but I’m still working on this.
Castlevania- This game stars Simon Belmont, who is thrown into the bowels of some god-awful castle with a puny little whip. Following the same logic as the penis, the longer your whip, the more damage you can do. This game is clearly impossible to defeat, but if you enjoy screaming at your computer and punching yourself in the face, play this game often.
Luke’s Tip- Before you reach Frankenstein, you’ll be bombarded by bouncing, brain-eating monkeys dropped by hideous birds. If you’re smart, you’ll kill the little fuckers before they hit the ground.
Metroid- Because it is perhaps the greatest thing ever created by man, I can’t praise this game enough. In fact, I played it so much growing up that I still think I’m inside it. The other day I accused this one girl of being the “Mother Brain” and proceeded to try the “Screw Attack” on her. Unfortunately, I mistimed my jump and ended up with a mouth full of broken teeth.
Luke’s Tip- Complete the game really fast and you’ll find out that you are in fact a woman. However, if you’re that good at Metroid, chances are you already knew this.
Double Dragon- This game begins when a couple of thugs sock your girlfriend in the stomach and take her away. This really pisses me off, even though I’ve never had a girlfriend. During the game, you have the priviledge of taking a stick of dynamite right in the face, and living to tell about it. This game is childhood invulnerability in its purest form.
Luke’s Tip- Shun the foreign objects such as knives, barrels, and whips, and just stick to punching. You may have learned differently in grade school (I just learned to run away), but you’ll need those points to get the special moves. My favorite is the one where you get to straddle the guy and bitch-slap him. Remember, gamers, there’s no saving, so be sure you have no obligations for at least a ten hour period.