Koo Can’t Cook

Every evening, the question in my apartment is: What shall we have for din-din? As I get sick and tired of wondering what to scavenge for my daily requirement of protein and fat, I have decided to offer suggestions as to what dinner may be tonight…

Blondies Pizza
Blondie’s is a favorite dining spot for any Cal student. Besides the fact that the employees for the evening are hired on Telegraph every afternoon. the delectable odoriferous emanation called “urine” from the aforementioned street, arid the fact that you have to eat your pizza in front of mean looking street punks with eyeball piercings, it really is a choice spot for dinner.

Fat Slice
Ah, another great Berkeley pizza joint. The service, usually a Khazakstan native running the front end with an Iraqi Kurdish refugee taking care of furnaces, is really top notch. After a hard day of chem-lab, Fat Slice truly is the Promised Land, where the pizza is as big as my female lab-partner’s ass and they slap it down on the counter harder than Ike Turner used to pimp slap Tina. Pizza Heaven.

Habibi’s House of Kabab
This is my personal favorite. In fact, I eat there so much that I’ve come to judge the prices of all other goods and services in terms of how many Habibi chicken rice plates I can buy. I’ll be at the mall, looking at a pair of shoes, and say to myself… “gee, these shoes cost ten Habibi’s.” In fact, my official currency has become the “Habibi”: medium spicy with potato salad.

Anne’s Soup Kitchen
I guess Anne’s isn’t really a din ner place, but it’s my damn article, so to hell with technicalities. It’s amazing that the cook, probably Anne’s husband, can make forty thousand omelets in one hour. But he’s starting to show the stress cracks-the pattern, of mushrooms and green peppers on my omelet this morning had an uncanny resemblance to a pentagram.

Kim’s Super Burrito
An obvious front for southside drug activity, this filth-infested skank factory fools narcs by serving the little known Korean-Mexican cuisine. I especially recommend the Super Soy Dog Burrito with a side of kim-chee and beans. You should only order to go, as it reduces the chances of having to testify in court in the event of a police raid.

Top Dog
After pounding away a twelve pack of “Nat Ice,” there’s nothing that a member of the Berkeley Greek sys tem enjoys more than a tasty Top at 2:55 A.M. If that weren’t reason enough to frequent the place, the best wurst this side of Berlin is served by people who make the Soup Nazi of “Seinfeld” fame look like Betty Crocker. You put your bills on the counter, say in the nicest voice, “one Top please,” and take two steps to the side. If you really find yourself bored, you can read outdated political philosophy on the walls that proclaims that government is evil, with their damn national security, public roads and hidden secret cameras. Anarchy forever!

Smart Alec’s
Capitalizing on the recent’ towards vegetarianism, this place of business has succeeded in creating a large menu of things that don’t taste good. Their salad doesn’t quite qualify as Intermezzo, and their “Air Baked” fries don’t quite qualify as food. In a show of meat-eating unity and protest, we ask that you demand the prime rib and raw beef dipped in pig fat.