Berkeley Personalities I’d Really Like to See

I am rather disappointed by the lack of new “crazies” at Berkeley this year. The nuthouse must have started tethering those shell-shocked, acid-flash-backing, anally-probed dirt-breeders a little tighter. Word on the street is that Yoshua is on hiatus from his busy schedule of screaming Hebrew nonsense at the top of his lungs, and the orange-haired Fundamentalist Fred is nowhere to be seen.

Who does that leave to entertain us, the viewing audience, with their psychotic drug-induced episodes and/or religious fanaticism? Sure, there’s the regular crowd of clowns, including “Raucous” Rick Starr, Preacher “Potato” Eddie, and Larry “The Lemming” Lefunski (“Dance to the Music” drummer’s real last name), but what the campus lacks this year is a new breed of loonies. . . a group with a little more, what’s the word, panache!

Here’s the kind of crazy people I’d like to see when I meander the campus maze:

Monkey Boy – His crazy routine isn’t much. He just walks around with a brown velvet tail tied to the back of his belt, and when people ask him what it is, he calmly replies, “I’m just sporting the newest fashion, and I would appreciate it if you would respect my privacy.” He likes sports and cars, just like the rest of us normal folk. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that he shoots people with a high-powered rifle from the top of the Campanile.

Sparky the Spank Fiend – He intercepts naughty Cal students on their way to class and punishes their saucy behavior. He says, “Don’t call your mother a surreptitious slut or your father a gay prostitute ever again, even if it is true!” and then spanks them really hard across their virgin bottoms. Wait a minute. That was my dad. Nevermind.

Monobomber – Yeah, this guy would be a real psycho. He would write a manifesto, and he would live in a shack or something. Didn’t Karl Marx do both of those things? I’m sure he did, otherwise the Marx brothers wouldn’t be named after him. Anyway, the Monobomber would be crazy because he only has one testicle.

Gerund Jerry – He’s so fascinated by the transformation of a verb (i.e., felch) into a noun (felching) that he sweats profusely and smiles maniacally while talking gibberish to himself in the corner. He’s bald, too. Did I mention that he sweats a lot? My linguistics professor sweats a lot.

Grandma – She makes you this really good food every time you visit, which tastes really good (unlike dorm food – yucky!). When you’re little, she buys you toys and fun stuff to play with. You may be thinking, “Herbie, why’s that so crazy?” I’ll tell you why, Mr. Nosey-face. It’s because she’s dead, all right? Is that what you wanted to hear, you insensitive bastard?