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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 16- Issue 1

Wal-Mart Enters into Heroin Retail Market

August 1, 2006
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Wal-Mart today announced its plans to begin selling heroin in its 1,146 Wal-Mart stores, 2,098 Supercenters, 567 SAM’S CLUBS and 107 Neighborhood Markets in the United States.

“Wal-Mart sells a lot of shit, you know? Well, why not heroin? That shit is fuckin’ expensive too, we’re going to make a killing. What’s the problem?” asked Stephen Quinn, Wal-Mart’s Senior Vice President of Marketing, while maniacally laughing and viciously throttling an old man that formerly ran a hardware store before Wal-Mart forced him out of business.

“The problem is that selling heroin is illegal,” said Michael Braun, the DEA’s Chief of Operations. “Wal-Mart is delusional if it thinks it can get away with this,” Braun said.

Stephen Quinn flung his head back from a pile of cocaine long enough to ask, “Are those DEA bitches getting mouthy again? We’ve got 1.4 million employees worldwide and we sell 16,000 guns a month. The DEA has 400 agents and a yearly budget that’s less than our daily sales of Kim Possible lunch boxes. If we wanted to, we could buy and sell Michael Braun’s mother and no one could stop us.” Quinn then instructed his secretary to buy and then sell Michael Braun’s mother.

Wal-Mart’s sales of Velvet Underground albums have risen 200% since the announcement.

Volume 16- Issue 1

Sports Quickies

August 1, 2006
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Isiah Thomas Appoints His Horse President of Basketball Operations Local media was quick to question the surprise move, suggesting the horse lacks both the experience and bathroom training necessary to manage a major NBA franchise, but Thomas and the horse refuted such concerns. When asked how the new deal would impact the team’s salary cap woes, he struck his foot on the ground twice then neighed. Thomas was then asked to sit down so the horse could answer the question.

 

Tom Brady Once Again Appears in Area Man’s Sex Dream

“So I like watching football in bed, I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said. He then kissed his wife dispassionately and with little enthusiasm.

 

**Mighty Ducks “Mighty Gay” Says Guy on Internet **

Online Blackjack Player Leaves Window Open Overnight, Resulting In 2 Million Dollar Loss

“Fuck,” he was quoted as saying.

ESPN2 Merges All Programming

In an effort to fit in seven more early morning broadcasts of Sportscenter, ESPN2 has announced the merger of its Darts, Curling, Bowling, Dominos, Poker, Trick Pool Shots, and Regular Pool Shots programs. The new show, entitled “Who cares, it’s 2 AM and you’re drunk anyway,” has already resulted in the deaths of three players due to dart-related injuries. Meanwhile, a fourth clings to life with a mouth full of dominos and an ass full of playing cards. When asked for comment, ESPN2 rebroadcast that show where camels fight each other.

Volume 16- Issue 1

In Other News

August 1, 2006

Iran Agrees to Nuclear Talks, Bombings

Lieberman Won’t Let Defeat Stop His Mission of Groveling Before Republicans

Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage, Eating Babies

Oil Prices Drop, Cost of Barrels Skyrockets

Volume 16- Issue 1

Area Woman Clearly Wanted to be Raped, Murdered

August 1, 2006

Alameda Police have recently taken into custody a Mr. Les Warner, confessed nymphokilliac and cannibal. Though charged with over 50 different capital offenses, Warner was quick to release a public statement claiming all of his actions stem from simple misunderstandings.

“Well, wearing a dress like that—especially in her own apartment—you could totally tell she wanted to get murdered and have her bones turned into chairs. I mean c’mon people, it was as plain as the look of fear on her face.” Elaborating further on the event, Mr. Warner continued, “Her voice, teeth, nails, and kicks may have said no, but her strappy sandals told an entirely different story. Frankly, I don’t see why I’m the one on trial… I mean, what? She woke up in the morning and put on that halter-top because she DIDN’T want me to drown her in my fish tank?”

As of this time it is unclear whether Warner himself is looking forward to being raped and murdered at Chino State Penitentiary.

 

Volume 16- Issue 1

Words From The Top

47 Things Every Freshman Should Know

August 1, 2006
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  1. Being ten minutes late for class is no problem; we call it “Berkeley time.”
  2. Your Cal ID card can be used for one free rental at Blockbuster.
  3. You can always ask for a take-home final exam instead of an in-class final.
  4. Professors must allow students ten minutes of “facebook time” per hour.
  5. Bums on Telegraph want hugs more than they want money.
  6. The answer pattern for all multiple choice exams in the Biology department is CACA.
  7. UCPD officers are legally required to give you a ride if you ask.
  8. In a pinch, bus pass stickers can be used as birth control.
  9. Fire drills always end in orgies.
  10. As of this year, every restaurant in the Asian Ghetto accepts Dining Plan points.
  11. Smoking marijuana is legal within city limits.
  12. The Tang Center doctors will always give you a free sample box of Adderall, just say you forgot the coupon.
  13. Once a month a loud alert horn will sound, letting you know you can go home early.
  14. Cocoa Crispies and Cocoa Puffs are actually the same cereal.
  15. Oski is played by a woman.
  16. If you steal the RA’s pants you become the RA.
  17. The instrument at the top of the Campanile is called a carillon.
  18. The co-ops are a good cheap alternative to smelling good.
  19. You can’t be arrested for a DUI if you’re asleep when the cop finds you.
  20. Everyone on your floor can hear you singing along to Deathcab.
  21. Your boyfriend didn’t dump you because of the freshmen fifteen, he dumped you because you’re annoying.
  22. If you can trick the Chancellor into saying his own name backwards you automatically get into Haas School of Business.
  23. In an emergency, Rally Comm is fully trained to climb to the top of Barrows and fly the building away to safety.
  24. All 8AM classes actually begin at 11.
  25. Three Fs make a B.
  26. Scantrons can only be filled in with number two pencils or Sherwin- Williams house paint.
  27. Campus vending machines are free on the solstice.
  28. Otter Pops do not contain otters.
  29. CAL DINING is an acronym.
  30. Dr. Jokèmon cannot be captured in a Jokèball.
  31. The Tang Center is named for its distinctive odor.
  32. Due to a software bug, the millionth student to log into Telebears will be instantly transferred to Davis.
  33. The Daily Californian was originally called the Yearly Arizonian, but the name was changed after their annual output was three-hundred-sixty-fippled and the offices were moved from Pennsylvania.
  34. Mario Savio was bi.
  35. The moon is a harsh mistress.
  36. Asian girls have straight pubes.
  37. It doesn’t matter where you’re going: take the 51.
  38. Anthropology majors give the best head.
  39. Engineering majors build the best bridges.
  40. The city of Berkeley has only one fire truck, but it is two hundred feet long.
  41. Mary Poppins died in Wheeler.
  42. History 7A and History 7B are actually the same class.
  43. 10% of you will be mugged this year.
  44. 5% of you will be sexually assaulted before graduation.
  45. Cal Grants and Student Aid are at the lowest level they’ve ever been and tuition and fees are the highest.
  46. If you finished this list in under thirty seconds you have fulfilled your R1A requirement.
  47. Welcome to college, and yes, this will be on the test.
Volume 15- Issue 6

Volume 15, Issue 6: The Tiger Did It

April 1, 2006
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 15- Issue 5

Volume 15, Issue 5: Batman Likes to Watch

February 1, 2006
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Grow a Beard

February 1, 2006
  1. It’s cold. And you’re a child molester
  2. When you were five a razor killed your father
  3. Pink chin the pirate sounds too pussy
  4. President of the female Viking student association
  5. President of the Viking student association
  6. Rogaine addiction
  7. Your name is John Beard and you’re tired of living a lie
  8. It’s worth two units for your philosophy major
  9. Prove a point to your girlfriend about shaving
  10. Harder to see face on low resolution surveillance video
Volume 15- Issue 5

Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth

February 1, 2006

Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can help bring one life into existence as another is senselessly extinguished.” Parker added, “Plus, it’s like half the paperwork. I just write in the baby’s name, flip the form over and write in the stiff ‘s name. Badabing, bada-boom.”

“I can’t wait to show little Annie the video someday,” said recent father and widower Mark Keller.