So Now You’re in Purgatory

A Pamphlet


Welcome to

You probably have a lot of questions, for instance:

  • Why am I here?
  • Who are you?
  • Why did you take my shoes?
  • And just what is purgatory anyway?
    First and foremost, Congratulations on not going to Hell! And please accept my sincere condolences on not getting into Heaven. So since you’re Here, you’re either just not quite good enough for Saint Peter, or are a child who died in utero so there wasn’t enough evidence to make a convincing case either way.

Sort of Evil Stuff that may have led to your placement here:

  • Received oral sex while upside down
  • Killed a really fat woman
  • Didn’t put any other gods before Him, but put a few off and to the left
  • Taught a parrot to swear
  • Murdered someone emotionally
  • Have never cured a leper

And Just What is Purgatory Anyway?

In Purgatory, you will kind of be punished for your lifetime of quasi-sin. The subtle agonies that await you include:

  • The same song will play forever and ever, unless you turn it off
  • Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles come in the same box
  • Any pets you obtain will only provide conditional love
  • Free dial-up connection
  • Will feel left out during apocalyptic battle between heaven and hell
  • Will constantly think you recognize people only to find out that they’re all commercial bit actors
  • All farts are egg farts

What to Do Now:

Enjoy a half-price ride on Purgatory’s award-winning public transport system, ranked #3 in the afterlife, to your new garden-level apartment! You’ll meet your new roommate who has already chosen the bottom bunk. When you get inside, sit down quietly, turn on your 16″ TV, and please enjoy complimentary reruns of the Simpsons (seasons 12 through 15). Looking for a job can wait until tomorrow! We hope you have a not-unpleasant stay here in Purgatory, and we’re glad we could make your first day a little easier.

This pamphlet was printed on 50% recycled paper.