Murder! in Five Easy Steps

Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone into a boat propeller and pretend it was a manatee to the fifth time you shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Put on your latex gloves and start taking offense at even the most imperceptible slights, because we’re setting sail for murder!

Step 1:
Is it a good time for murder?

Okay, so someone’s stolen your girl, your livelihood, or your space in line at a gas station bathroom. Now seems like the right time for murder, right?

Not so fast there, Robert Blake. Look around you and take in your surroundings before ripping that condom dispenser off the wall and bashing his skull in.

If you are…
a) …in between two police officers…
b) …standing on or near a lightly sleeping guard dog…
c) …in Texas…
…then you shouldn’t commit this murder unless you are…
a) …rich.
b) …famous.
c) …the unstoppable Juggernaut.

Step 2:
Is this a good person for me to kill?

Probably. The problem is, you really don’t have time to deal with this question. Boil it down to instinct and stick with your first impressions. Some general tips:
– Shoot first and ask questions later. Questions like, “You’re probably wondering why I shot you, huh?” and “Who’s getting picked last for foursquare now?”
– Ask yourself: Does this victim look like my mother? Could her skin be used as a lampshade?
– Sometimes you have to kill a lot of frogs before you find your prince. To kill.

Step 3:
The Killing

This is where you can really personalize the process and make the murder your own. With so many ways to kill at your disposal, it’s easy to get lost and find yourself unable to choose between ice picks, pistols, bluntly shaped sports trophies, and rocks.

Here are some tips for deciding the hows and with-how-many-thrusts of your murder:

  • Use common sense: If the person you’re trying to kill is allergic to peanuts, trick them into eating Thai food. If they’re allergic to water, drown them. And if they’re allergic to bullets, then stab them with a knife laced with gunpowder.
  • Lure them into a location where you have all the advantages, such as the desert if you’re an experienced Arab Bedouin warrior, or inside your hall of poisonous mirrors if you’re anyone else.
  • Listen to your murderous inner child. Place a knife in your victim’s hand and say loudly “Why are you stabbing yourself, huh? Why are you stabbing yourself?” Another benefit to this strategy is that the murder will be ruled a suicide.

Step 4:
Disposal, or
How many bodies can I fit into the back of a GMC Envoy?

Seven if you take out the seats. Maybe eight if you bought the one with big cupholders.

Step 5:

Q: Shit, he’s got a gun!
A: Maybe you shouldn’t be reading this article right now.
Q: I shot him like fifty times but the bullets bounced off his bright red helmet and huge muscles.
A: Clearly you’ve misread Step 1. The idea was to be the Juggernaut, not to try to kill him.
A: Unplug your cattle prod, blow on it, and plug it back in.