Discount Wisdom

Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.

I don’t believe in a “nuclear holocaust.” I think it is just a phrase that people created by taking the two most feared words in the English language and putting them together. It’s kind of like “Ebola genocide” or “shark taxes.”

I wonder who was the person that created the game “Slug Bug,” and if that was his/her only contribution to society.

If Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox had a baby, I bet it would be black.

In the DARE program they teach you that “crack is whack.” So why don’t they have a synonym for “great” that ends with “-ee cee pee?”

I once made fun of a really rigid and pale girl until she cried. I felt really bad until I found out she was a water fountain.

I wish I were an astronaut. That way, if a bunch of track athletes were making fun of me, I could tell them that I once ran a mile in under five minutes. They would all start laughing and say “big deal, we can all do that.” I would then say that I ran it on the sun. That would shut them up real quick.

I wonder what Olive Oyl’s nickname was in high school when she was an acne-covered teen. I bet it was still Olive Oyl.

One day I tried to grow a beard so I would look just like my father. But then I realized that I had no idea what my father looked like because he left us when I was born. Boy that was a sad day for a five-year-old.

The first time you make love is a magical experience. Unless, of course, you’re not a magician.

If you ever get the chance to ride a dinosaur, don’t whoop and holler and look really pleased, because dinosaurs hate bragging.