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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 2

Intelligent Life?

A Report from SETI Institute

October 1, 2004
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Since the dawn of time in 1943, we at the SETI Institute have scoured the depths of the universe in hopes of finding life outside our solar system. So far we have been unsuccessful, prompting many critics to call our work trivial or useless, and others to call our work both trivial and useless. Well, fuck you crit-dicks. I am here to report that we have finally made contact with extraterrestrial beings. Surprisingly, these aliens do not seem too intelligent. Quite frankly, they sound like a bunch of fucking idiots. Using the powerful radio wave telescopes (featured in Jodie Foster’s hit extraterrestrial adventure thriller, Nell) we have intercepted the following conversations from not-so-intelligent life:

Alien 1: Our Boronian Lander seems to be off course. Did you do the measurement in Glatidotes or Meritotes?
Alien 2: Meritotes.
Alien 1: Jesus H.W.C.M.T.R.H. Christ. Now we’ll never get to Boron, the waterslide planet.

A1: Frank, do you think there is life outside of our little nine-moon, 100,000,000-mile-wide planet?
A2: No.
A1: Not even somewhere out there?
A2: No, and even if there were, how the fuck would they contact us?
A1: By gigantic radio wave satellites, like in that one Jodie Foster movie, Panic Room.
A2: I don’t really like what she’s done with her career.

A1: Hey Klixzer, did you get the stuff?
A2: Yeah…here it is.
A1: What? Don’t tell me you paid 50 Zorzars for this…there are like only two gragzies in this space bag.
A2: Sorry, man…it was dark, I didn’t check.
A1: Now we’ll never be higher life-forms.
A2: Hahaha! Higher life-forms, that’s a play on words. Because, you know, higher can mean…more intelligent…or it can mean GAA
A1: Dude, you smoked the other 1.5 gragzies, didn’t you?
A2: Can I touch your hair?

A1: Dude, I’m so Bergersmackled!
A2: Bergersmackled? That isn’t even a word, you fucking Manicoodle.

A1: So who did you vote for?
A2: Gavin Buccaneer.
A1: What? I can’t believe that. He’s probably the only politician in the whole universe who would unlawfully invade another planet for their resources. I personally think we need to get our troops out of the Vernitron galaxy GAA allowing them to structure their own government independently. Plus, he doesn’t even support marriage between two Latimates. Now come here so I can fuck you in the BooTrax.
A2: Yeah, but he has lowered the price of solar fuel. Ouch, not so fast.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Man Wraps Worldly Possessions in Cellophane

October 1, 2004
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A man reportedly oblivious to all that is good and just in the world allegedly wrapped his worldly possessions in cellophane while you were listening to a lecture, sitting in a library, or otherwise attempting to concentrate on what the fuck you were doing.

The man, allegedly infuriated by the fact that all objects which he held earthly rights of possession to were not encased within the screeching grasp of a transparent plastic, slowly and deliberately shrouded each and every item, one after the other, in the least appropriate way possible.

According to witnesses, you jerked your head around agitatedly and threw your arms up in frustration several times, but to no avail. “I can’t…I can’t fucking believe this,” said you when reached for comment. “I just…I seriously can’t, just absolutely can’t fucking believe this.”

When he was done, the man proceeded to unwrap a small mint underneath the table while looking around guiltily, after which he left.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Problem Found

October 1, 2004
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President Bush yesterday announced the identity of the new enemy in the War on Terror. “Gypsies,” he said derisively. “Filthy gypsies who would strangle one another for a sheep’s bladder of wine.”

Following Bush’s fireside proclamation, a general was sent to marshal troops loyal to the throne. A throng of hooded Cossacks left on horseback at nightfall.

Some would say that Bush’s willingness to fight in yet another war is but a manifestation of the inner conflict that haunts him nightly without cessation. Palace insiders have spoken in hushed tones of cuckoldry following the reappearance of Neil Bush, George’s brother and Laura’s first love. He was assumed dead following the Napoleonic Wars, but mysteriously returned home last week, though missing one of his cobalt-blue eyes.

Lying in repose, court mystic Karl Rovovich pensively spoke: “It is ‘Mission Accomplished’ everywhere save for that man’s heart.”

Volume 14- Issue 2

I Get Arrested. A Lot.

October 1, 2004
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Of all the things to get, arrested certainly isn’t at the top of most people’s lists. For me, I’ve been told it’s not so much a personal shortcoming as it is an error of method. But no matter what angle you’re taking, getting arrested isn’t good for business. When you’re an international jewel thief, that’s like getting fired for a couple of years.

I mean, I’ve had lots of jobs, but no one wants to hear about how I worked at Valero. It’s always “twenty bucks on four” this and “where’s your manager” that. I guess most people wouldn’t come out and tell you that they’re an IJT. But when you take away the elaborate security systems, illegality, and action-packed, high-octane lifestyle, you’re really just another run-of-the-mill average Joe.

Sure, some of my colleagues employed “secrecy” when lifting priceless gems, but not this guy. No sir, I like to announce as loud as possible that I’m a jewel thief. That way, when the hammer comes down, nobody actually thinks that the jewel thief would steal the jewels. Did I mention I’m in prison right now? That might be relevant.

Anyway, I got a lot of flack for revealing my secret identity via a full-page ad in International Jewel Thief, a magazine I created for the sole purpose of informing people that I am a jewel thief. I couldn’t afford to print the magazine, so instead I sky-wrote it above museums and rich people’s houses.

When I finally got out of prison again, I decided to direct my creative energies elsewhere, so I became a screenwriter. After all, I had experience doing plenty of interesting things like inventing magazines. But I just wrote about my many adventures burgling precious stones, so my screenplays ended up being oddly-formatted confessions.

I’ve been arrested at two premieres, by the way, but one time was for assaulting a child in front of a movie theater and wasn’t so much of a premiere as it was embarrassing.

Then I started a successful clothing line aimed at infants called Incognite. I was basically just using kids to steal jewels. Don’t ask me how, I’m tired. But man was I arrested then. On a scale from Hugh Grant to James Brown of how arrested I was, I was definitely a James Brown+.

So if you want my advice, if you’re planning on being an international jewel thief, get ready for a solid dose of awesome.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Mike “The Bomb” Yu Held for Questioning

October 1, 2004
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Last week the National Terror Alert Level was raised to orange due to a security threat on the UC Berkeley campus. According to officials, a student was heard making a bomb threat after learning of his grade on an exam.

While the details are being kept classified as a security precaution, witnesses have released accounts of what happened.

“So we just got our midterm scores back for our Nutri Sci class, and like everyone got A’s and we were all excited, and when Mike got his score he was like ‘Oh yeah, 96% biatches, Mike Yu is the Bizz-omb.'”

Yu is currently being held at Guantanamo Bay for an indefinite period of time.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Scenes from a World Where Everyone Has Extra Lives

October 1, 2004
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In Iraq

SOLDIER: Dave! Dave! Stay with us! Evac is coming in GAA Dave! Shit!
[Corpse disappears]
[Five seconds later]
DAVE: Alright, I’m back. What’s going on?
SOLDIER: Oh, hey Dave. Saddam is starting to flash red, and his face has changed expressions.
DAVE: Okay, I’m going to nail him a few times until I stop blinking.

Faulkner Novel

CHARLIE: Pa! Boyo got bit bad, and there ain’t a life heart around for miles! And he’s at x0!
MA: Quick, Arthur. We should have just over 100 coins in the jar. There’s still time.
PA: …There ain’t no 100 coins in that jar.
[Silence]
MA: You went drinking.
[Silence]
CHARLIE: What do I tell Boyo, Ma? What do I tell him?
MA: You tell him…you tell him whatever you want to, Charlie.
[Silence. No one looks at one another.]

A Prison Yard

GANGSTA: [bench presses stuff]
CHOLO: Okay, ese. It’s time to settle the score for what you did to Burro Kong. [pulls out red shell] You only got one balloon left, homes.
GANGSTA: [pulls out feather] …Sheeit.

History Class

PROFESSOR: …But Gavrilo triple-jumped over the Austroguards, killing Archduke Ferdinand with just one blow to the head. A second player attempted to administer powerups, but was unsuccessful.
STUDENT: It seems so odd that that one event led to World War 1-Up.

Foundation of Buddhism

BUDDHA: I believe that after this life we move on to a new incarnation, determined by our actions in this world.
ACOLYTE: Like if I mistime my jump over the bridge, I have to start over with no life…but if I make it over, I start the next stage with the Invisibility Cape?
BUDDHA: Yes, I am stating the obvious above.

Cats

VETERINARIAN: It’s well-known that all cats start with nine lives, but few know that they can go up to 99 lives before being capped.
MAN: How can they end up with so many?
VETERINARIAN: Mice leave the blue coins.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Man Wasting His Life by Enjoying It

October 1, 2004
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Sources close to Berkeley resident Daniel Arnette report that the 24-year-old percussionist and freelance graphic designer is throwing his life away by habitually seeking happiness and fulfillment from his waking hours.

“Just last week, Daniel was telling me that he had spent the day holed up in his apartment, watching cartoons, eating potato chips, and practicing on his bongos,” said Arnette’s mother, Helen. “I can’t tell you how it breaks my heart to see him enjoying himself like that.”

Steve Hewitt, Arnette’s roommate and a sufferer of chronic fatigue syndrome, agreed. “No two ways about it: Dan’s in serious trouble here. If he doesn’t get it together soon, he’s going to wake up one morning and realize that he’s squandered the best years of his life having a good time.”

Volume 14- Issue 1

Volume 14, Issue 1: Super Homeless Mario

August 1, 2004
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 14- Issue 1

The Three Investigators and the Adventure of the Dead Pope

August 1, 2004
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Jupiter, Pete, and Bob were walking down a busy city street.

“It sure is great to be here visiting scenic Rome,” said Pete breezily, as the three entered the heart of the Vatican. “And it’s great that your grand-uncle got us tickets to see the Pope.”

Bob’s grand-uncle was a famous Cardinal, which is a special helper for the Pope. The Pope is the head of the Roman Catholic Church, directly appointed by God to be in charge of everything.

As the three entered the Basilica, Pete noticed something was amiss. “The Pope is dead!” he said noisily. The Pope was lying on the floor in front of his Pope Throne, covered in his own blood.

“He’s not dead,” said Jupe wisely. “He’s been murdered.”

Just then, Cardinal Thompson came in. “Oh no!” he said nervously. “The Pope has been killed! And he was just about to sign an important treaty with the Protestants!”

“Do you have any idea who did it?” asked Jupe carefully. “Well, John Mormon, Michael Goldsteinlevi, and Redrum Hindoo were visiting earlier. I was just showing them the Vatican Gun Collection, then left them alone in different rooms.”

“Did all of them have reason to hate the Pope?” asked Jupe craftily.

“Yes,” said Cardinal Thompson. “Now boys, I don’t want you to get involved in this,” the Cardinal continued. “It’s far too dangerous for three young boys between the ages of 6 and 11 to get involved in.”

“Don’t worry…we won’t,” said Jupe with his eyes twinkling mysteriously and determinedly.

Outside, Bob and Peter cornered Jupe. The svelte solver had already tugged on his mystery hat and taken out his magnifying glass.

“The Pope murdered! This sounds like a mystery!” Pete and Bob said excitedly. “We have to find out who did it.”

“You know that bumbling Uncle Thompson won’t be able to solve this one without our help,” said Bob interjectingly. “If we don’t help, you just know that they won’t be able to sign that treaty at midnight tonight!”

They checked their mystery watches. It was half-past four p.m.

“I think it’s that Redrum fellow,” said Pete quasi-racistly. “You’ll note that if you spell his name backwards, it spells Murder! It’s very suspicious.”

“But I already have a clue,” said Jupe determinedly. “On the floor there was a copy of the Book of Mormon!”

“Then it’s John Mormon!” said Pete surmisingly.

“But the Book of Mormon had the initials MG on the cover…a sure sign that Michael Goldsteinlevi was trying to plant the book to FRAME John Mormon!” said Jupe solvingly.

The three young investigators rounded a corner, when suddenly they were set upon by three shadowy figures, who pressed rags to each of their faces.

“Chloroform!” said Bob drowsily, before falling asleep.

NEXT CHAPTER: TWELVE TRIBES OF MURDER!

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Porno Movies Starring Celebrities and Secretly Sponsored by Car Companies

August 1, 2004
  1. Susan Sarandon Takes a Dump on This Guy in the Back of a Fiat
  2. There’s No Dodging Eric Gagne’s Pitcher of Cum
  3. George Michael’s Coming in His GMC
  4. Minnie Driver and the Mini Driver
  5. Mercedes Ruehl Benz Over
  6. Robert Gouchevrolay Me
  7. Oprah’s Big Black Volva
  8. Oh Jesus Christler I’m Coming!
  9. Harrison Ford: Explorer…of Rectums
  10. Bea M. Double-Team-You Arthur’s Magical Threesome