Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 14- Issue 2

Scenes from <i>Stand and Deliver</i> If It Took Place in an Upper-middle-class High School in the San Fernando Valley

October 1, 2004
,

The Principal

Jaime Escalante: Principal Richman, I look forward to teaching these kids. They come from nothing, and no one believes in them, but I can get through to them. I’ll show them that calculGAA
Principal: Wait a second, you’re a Mexican! That’s great!
Jaime: …
Principal: Sorry, we don’t really have Mexicans around here. Go on.
Jaime: I was saying that calculus can teach these GAA
Principal: Hey, are you people filled with candy?
Jaime: No. That’s a pi+A|ata.
Principal: Sorry.
Jaime: [Exasperated] Higher learning is GAA
Principal: OLE OLE OLE OLE! OLE! OLE!

Meeting the Class

Jaime: [observing his quietly seated class] I know you vatos think you’re funny, but there’s nothing funny about failure. Don’t you wanna be something in life?
Well-dressed Boy in Front Row: Yes sir. I’d like to go on to graduate GAA
Jaime: NO! NO! Gangs are a dead end, muchacho. The real weapon is your mind.
[Class sits silently]
Jaime: That’s why I’m going to teach you all calculus.
Boy: We already learned calculus. I got a 5 on the GAA
Jaime: What is it with you kids and the gangs?!

The Lesson Plan

Jaime: Today, we’re gonna talk about integrals. This may be your only ticket out of here, so pay attention.
Timid Girl: Uh, Mr. Escalante, this isn’t AP Calculus. This is advanced multivariate calculus.
Jaime: Fuck.
Timid Girl: If you want, we can GAA
Jaime: What, jump me? You think you’re tough? [Takes off shirt to show scars] I been stabbed eight times, puta. Not so tough now, are you?
Well-Dressed Boy: [whispering to friend] Aww, I thought they were filled with candy.

Words of Encouragement

Jaime: You kids have futures. Even when nobody else believes in you, I do. I believe in you.
Timid Girl: Well, between our parents, numerous colleges, and society in general, pretty much everyone believes in us. Well, except for that kid, but no one believes in him.
Baal, the Golden Calf: [Sniffles, bites lower lip]

Volume 14- Issue 2

Magical Realism from the Point of View of an Oppressive Misogynist Culture

October 1, 2004
, ,

IN THE HARD LAND OF MONTERREY there lived a pretty young girl named Ana de la Cocina. In her family’s hut by the edge of the pueblo, Ana slaved day in and day out to provide food for the men of her family while putting herself through night school.

One day, however, Ana came home from the School of the Night with joy in her heart. “I have gotten my BA in economics!” she yelped, bothering the men with her high-pitched voice as they watched soccer and drank. “Now I can find employment in the city!” The men in the room were bothered by this, but did not pay too much heed, for indeed, she had fewer ribs than they.

And lo, the next morning, as Ana stepped out of the house ready to travel to the city, she saw that an enormous ceiling of glass had enveloped the house. Ana tried and tried and studied and studied, but the ceiling of glass was far stronger than her puny feminine arms. “What is the matter? There is nothing here!” yelled the men as they walked back and forth through it. “I think I will become a securities analyst at JP Morgan,” declared Miguel, who had never completed high school, as he strolled through the invisible barrier on a road paved with gold. And upon hearing this Ana cried and moaned, and the men asked her if it was that time of the month, and Ana looked down and was ashamed, for a raging river of menses had flowed forth from her dress, and there was sand in it too, yes, a veritable dune of sand, and Ana sat on her dune of sand and wept.

But little did she know that all was well, for as she cried a brave man came forth and pointed at the red mountain, and yes, all the grains of sand became babies, babies to feed and clothe and raise. And Ana took her babies and walked on bare feet into the kitchen, and cooked a meal for the brave man to eat on his way out the door, for she was a floozy and they were probably not his babies anyway. And all was well, as her experience had taught the women of the pueblo that school makes babies, and the men laughed, and never made that mistake again.

IT WAS IN the four hundredth year of the humble village that a vicious drought fell. Men and oxen alike toiled to coax food from the barren earth, while the women predictably sat around their huts and gained weight. One such woman was Tita, the timid young bride of the swarthy Federico Sanchez.

Tita’s garden was the most barren of all land in the little village. Still, she tended to it with care and love every day, hoping to bring forth a bounty of grains and banana trees. Then one day, something fantastical happened: her husband beat the living shit out of her.

Frustrated by his desperate situation, Federico Sanchez attacked the village’s complex socioeconomic caste system the only way a South American man knows how: by having a go at his wife for ten, twenty minutes at a time. He beat her with reeds, shoots, oxwhips, tree branches, and even a First Aid kit, the overwhelming irony of which was transmuted into a blunt object, which he then picked up and used to beat her some more.

After being disciplined by her husband, Tita crawled out to her garden and began to cry a river of tears into the ground. The power of her beautiful and long-suffering tears caused the ground to come alive with all manner of fruit and vegetable: mangos, papayas, banana trees, even a rubber plant. Such respite from a life of suffering!

Yes, Federico had finally gotten a break. His fruits were the envy of all the village, and as long as he continued to beat his wife, his stomach would be empty no longer. He told all the men of the village about the secret of the tears, and soon, no one in the village was want for food. Except for fat chicks.

Later that year, the village switched to an entirely tear-based economy, and all was once again well.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Intelligent Life?

A Report from SETI Institute

October 1, 2004
, ,

Since the dawn of time in 1943, we at the SETI Institute have scoured the depths of the universe in hopes of finding life outside our solar system. So far we have been unsuccessful, prompting many critics to call our work trivial or useless, and others to call our work both trivial and useless. Well, fuck you crit-dicks. I am here to report that we have finally made contact with extraterrestrial beings. Surprisingly, these aliens do not seem too intelligent. Quite frankly, they sound like a bunch of fucking idiots. Using the powerful radio wave telescopes (featured in Jodie Foster’s hit extraterrestrial adventure thriller, Nell) we have intercepted the following conversations from not-so-intelligent life:

Alien 1: Our Boronian Lander seems to be off course. Did you do the measurement in Glatidotes or Meritotes?
Alien 2: Meritotes.
Alien 1: Jesus H.W.C.M.T.R.H. Christ. Now we’ll never get to Boron, the waterslide planet.

A1: Frank, do you think there is life outside of our little nine-moon, 100,000,000-mile-wide planet?
A2: No.
A1: Not even somewhere out there?
A2: No, and even if there were, how the fuck would they contact us?
A1: By gigantic radio wave satellites, like in that one Jodie Foster movie, Panic Room.
A2: I don’t really like what she’s done with her career.

A1: Hey Klixzer, did you get the stuff?
A2: Yeah…here it is.
A1: What? Don’t tell me you paid 50 Zorzars for this…there are like only two gragzies in this space bag.
A2: Sorry, man…it was dark, I didn’t check.
A1: Now we’ll never be higher life-forms.
A2: Hahaha! Higher life-forms, that’s a play on words. Because, you know, higher can mean…more intelligent…or it can mean GAA
A1: Dude, you smoked the other 1.5 gragzies, didn’t you?
A2: Can I touch your hair?

A1: Dude, I’m so Bergersmackled!
A2: Bergersmackled? That isn’t even a word, you fucking Manicoodle.

A1: So who did you vote for?
A2: Gavin Buccaneer.
A1: What? I can’t believe that. He’s probably the only politician in the whole universe who would unlawfully invade another planet for their resources. I personally think we need to get our troops out of the Vernitron galaxy GAA allowing them to structure their own government independently. Plus, he doesn’t even support marriage between two Latimates. Now come here so I can fuck you in the BooTrax.
A2: Yeah, but he has lowered the price of solar fuel. Ouch, not so fast.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Friends Worried About Joe

October 1, 2004
,

Local pedophile Joe Flagherty has started to lose interest in his illegal hobby and is drifting away from his pedophile friends.

Flagherty recently purchased the Sony Playstation 2 and Xbox game consoles to add to his colorful candy-filled living room, which he has dubbed “the rosebud trap” for its propensity to attract neighborhood boys. But he’s found himself more than a little distracted by his newest baits.

Explained Flagherty, “I dunno, I guess I’ll get back to raping children soon, but have you played that NFL 2K5 game? The graphics are great, and with the voice chat features, I can hear the sweet, sweet erotic sound of children’s voices anytime I want.”

Friend and fellow pedophile Quinn O’Connor expressed concern. “If this sort of thing could happen to an old crib-rider like Joe, it could happen to anyone. Pretty soon guys are gonna stop wearing their super-thin pedophile mustaches and we’ll barely even see each other except around the playgrounds.”

O’Connor went on to suggest that Flagherty’s natural affinity for the games is due to his excellent hand-eye coordination, developed by years of holding children down while simultaneously unfastening his belt.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Tragedy Befalls Guinness

October 1, 2004
,

The Guinness Brewing Company, world renowned for championing Irish stereotypes and for its quasi-popular Guinness Book of World Records, witnessed record-breaking bloodshed at its annual World Record Holders Convention in Burbank, California, last weekend.

According to preliminary reports, the incident began as the World’s Smallest Midget and the World’s Smallest Dwarf argued over who could fit more snugly into the overhead compartment of an airplane. The argument was brought to a halt as the dwarf stabbed a comically oversized fork into the midget’s eye. The World’s Fattest Man, a close friend of the midget, rolled his four-ton body onto the dwarf in bloody retaliation. The dwarf’s body has yet to be excavated.

This instigated the World’s Angriest Man to bash various other world record holders (among them the World’s Blindest Man) with the World’s Most Dangerous Wiffle Bat while the World’s Saddest Man sat in a corner and cried. To end this pointless massacre, the one-eyed man managed to stab the angriest man despite lacking depth perception. Meanwhile, the no-eyed man tried to help his visually impaired brother but ended up beating the life out of an unsuspecting and non-world record-holding shrub.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Words from the Top

JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics

October 1, 2004
, ,

_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In the following column, we have corrected that error. _

-ed.

Recently, the Heuristic Squelch has been the source of some controversy on campus. In response to the ensuing unrest within the university community, we have taken a measure to prevent further confusion about the content of our magazine. We hope this will clarify the intentions of our publication in terms JOKE! even a coolie could understand.

At one point, there was a bill before the ASUC senate that would officially condemn the Squelch and force us to print an apology for “poisoning the climate on campus.” Evidence cited for this included several racially-motivated crimes that were committed last year and JOKE! the fact that huffing paint feels really good. Wait, this issue of the Squelch caused ignorant criminals to attack people last semester? JOKE! We’re like the Marty McFly of hate crimes.

As is now apparent, JOKE! this has been a period of growth and maturity within the Squelch. It has also become apparent that the influence of comedy is much more powerful than we had originally thought. It was not clear, for instance, that referring to homosexual persons as JOKE! “anti-people” would cause the dormant hatred of society to reawaken and tear apart the tenuous wall of pretense that heretofore was the sole guardian of their right to exist as JOKE! human beings. This was printed under the assumption that our words were nothing more than satirical jest. Clearly, JOKE! we were wrong.

In spite of criticism from all sides, including JOKE! the ASUC, the Squelch has decided to bring its newfound influential powers to bear on campus. Here are just a few of the things that the Squelch pledges to accomplish in the coming months through its published content:

1) Eliminate crying due to sadness and pain, repurpose sadness to now be expressed by eating ice cream on sunny summer days with loved ones.

2) Procure an economy-line LCD monitor for a reasonable price.

3) Cease the incessant burning of the infernal sun.

4) Open nationwide chain of ice cream stands.

It is important to keep in mind that we, too, are merely college students. We, like you, probably just want to have sex JOKE! with other people. Other people like women.

So, if you have an LCD monitor you are willing to let go for around $150, please let us know. And if we made you cry, JOKE! we’re sorry.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Classes No Longer Taught at Cal

October 1, 2004
  1. African American Studies 11/Latin American Studies 9 (cross-listed): Why You’re Too Lazy to Steal
  2. Comparative Literature 2: Chaucer’s Revenge
  3. Physics 142C: The Physics of Cum Trajectory
  4. Landscape Architecture 39H: You Don’t Have to Take My Word for It, You KNOW You’re Gay
  5. Women’s Studies 39H: You’re Gay
  6. Molecular Cell Biology 62: Drugs and the Brain and More Drugs and Dude I Am So High Right Now I Can Fucking See Through Walls
  7. Asian American Studies 103B: Little, Yellow, Not So Different
  8. L&S 14: Nap Time
  9. Peace and Conflict Studies 8: My God, You Are Such a Pussy
  10. Education 16AC: Fulfilling the American Cultures Requirement
Volume 14- Issue 1

Volume 14, Issue 1: Super Homeless Mario

August 1, 2004
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 14- Issue 1

A Guide to University Speech Codes

August 1, 2004
,

Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles of Community” are a learning tool for all the retards out there.

Following is a list of phrases considered incorrect under the new Principles of Community, complete with suggestions to improve them.

Example: “Boy, those Mexicans sure like there cockfights.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is very inappropriate. The correct spelling of the word is “their,” not “there.”

Example: “I can’t get a student loan because of those scheming Jew-bankers.”
What’s Wrong With This: The phrase “Jew-bankers” should not include a hyphen, as it implies that the transnational cabal of Jewish usurers is indeed a discrete group of people. This is untrue–they are not people.

Example: “I’m really lucky that black guy didn’t break into my car and steal my radio.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is based on the common stereotype that black people steal car radios, when in fact, they are busy fucking your girlfriend with their giant penises. Collectively speaking.

Example: “Dirty Persian just looked at me funny, Ed.”
What’s Wrong With This: Whoa, hold on a second: that black guy actually did steal your radio. Sorry to tell you.

Example Conversation Between 2 Professors: “My TA told me that women still earn 25% less than men.”
“So did you give her a university-mandated raise?”
“I told her to suck my cock or I’d fire her.”
“So what happened?”
“Oh, she sucked my cock. Then I fired her.”
What’s Wrong With This: Women earn 27% less than men, not 25%. Keep dreaming, ladies.

Example: “There are so many Asians here that when I see people wearing vintage ’70s clothing, I feel like blowing up some goddamn Charlie schoolchildren.”
What’s Wrong With This: The majority of Asian-American students at Cal don’t come from Vietnam, and it is therefore inappropriate to call them “Charlie.” They are gooks.

Example: “After humans, they say dolphins are the smartest animals. Or is it Italians? No, it’s probably dolphins.”
What’s Wrong With This: Nothing. Note the proper use of “it’s.” This sentence is 100% correct.