New Cola Remedies Human Condition

The lasting despair and bittersweet pain that have plagued humankind since its inception have finally been obliterated by the advent of Coca-Cola’s newest beverage, C2GA$A3, according to spokesman Ken Harper. “With only half the calories of Coca-Cola Classic, C2 has finally halted the dark and dismal downward spiral of the human spirit and thusly achieved a long-standing goal of the Coca-Cola Corporation,” said Harper.

According to commercials for the product, C2 paves the way for a previously unattainable state of nirvanic bliss by enabling consumers to come to terms with all personal faults, shortcomings, and unhappiness in general. “I was stuck in a dead-end job,” said C2 enthusiast Maria Digby, “but then I drank C2 and it was if all the emotional and spiritual freedom of my youth came rushing back into me!” Digby, a recovering teenage cocaine addict, then broke a window with her face. “I can see happiness!” yelled Digby.

“We have big plans for C2,” said Harper at a later press conference. He went on to confirm the previously publicized rumors that Coca-Cola has finally intended to clean up its reputation with Bushmen of the African plains. “They’re an unhappy people,” noted Harper.