Tag Archives: Mark Thomas

Masturbation Defeats Sex

Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation … Read More


Firemen Are Pussies

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no job I will ever have will provide me with the opportunity to be a hero. It seems a little unfair, then, that just by virtue of being employed in certain … Read More

Words from the Top

Peeing in Jars Is Not So Bad

Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.

In my musings, I’ve found … Read More

Make Your Own Action Movie

The Briefing

Government Official: (gravely) I assume you all know why you’ve been called in here today. We’ve got three hours/seven days to diffuse this atomic/biological warhead planted by the notorious global corporation/ syndicate globotron/corp. I know you’re all just … Read More