Man Gradually Replaced by Better Version of Self

The next step in a slowly advancing personal coup took place last Wednesday when Jared Demming’s friends once again invited acquaintance Jeff Dumar over for dinner. Demming, who was neither notified of the event nor welcome to attend it, reportedly listened to Dumar’s smooth, deep voice through his closed bedroom door. Demming, who suffers from a thyroid condition that causes his voice to oscillate violently and at random, became suspicious.

“I thought I’d join them,” said Demming uncontrollably, “but when I walked out to meet them, they pretended to not notice.”

Dumar allegedly regaled his hosts with tales of his athletic misadventures on his college waterpolo and triathlon teams. According to an earlier news story, Demmings had played water polo in high school, but he never pursued it further, though he did try out for the triathlon team once. He failed to make the cut.

“We met Jeff during the kayaking trip that he had planned,” said Demming’s acquaintance Susan McKinney when reached for comment. “Jared couldn’t make it because of his thyroid condition.”

After Dumar left, Demming reportedly asked longtime friend Jessica Cho if she would like to see his latest batch of childish drawings, Demming’s sole means of self-expression and release, to which she absentmindedly replied “I guess” before sighing deeply.