Mark Thomas vs. the Internet

Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.

Around the same time the idea of a global network of interconnected computing machines was picking up momentum, technology had a second Big Bang: the one that conceived me. As challenging the oppressive rule of Goliath was David’s charge, so was I pitted against the Internet, vying for my due recognition from within the shadow of an imposing behemoth.

After years of fierce and controversial debate that has torn nations, families apart, I have decided to compile a comprehensive comparison to once and for all settle this, the rivalry to end all rivalries.

Internet: Instantaneous access to virtually unlimited information
Mark: Access to the Internet

Thanks to the searching power of the Internet, I can help track down whatever it is you need to find, virtually anywhere.

Mark +1

Internet: Global communication
Mark: Strong interpersonal skills

The Internet may connect you to users in other countries, but can it effectively leverage synergies towards a common goal? The Internet can’t even drive a car. How lame.

Mark +1

Internet: Broadband connection
Mark: Connection

With the advent of widespread broadband and wireless access, the Internet is increasingly easy to connect to whereas, because of questionable parenting, I am not.

Internet +1

Internet: Vast and wildly diverse collection of pornography
Mark: Well-catalogued, vast, and wildly diverse collection of pornography

With Mark Thomas, what you see is what you get. I take the time to appropriately label and categorize my amalgam of adult media. The Internet expends no such effort; this often leads to one embarrassing oneself. I will never embarrass you while you are viewing your pornography.

Mark +1

In closing, even if we look at fundamental qualties such as leadership potential, we find the Internet painfully deficient. The Internet may have ushered in the digital age, but there are serious doubts as to whether or not it could quiet down a room in less than fifteen seconds. My can-do attitude embarrasses the Internet’s passive management style.

In conclusion, I win for all of the following reasons: I am not the Internet and I don’t suck. Also, the Internet can’t defend itself in writing.