Man Successfully Programs VCR

Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.

When told by reporters that VCRs have been around for twenty years now, and that by this point anyone who doesn’t know how to program them should be legally restrained from members of the opposite sex on the off chance that they might manage to copulate and injure society at large by creating offspring who are as retarded as they are, and that any one of the assembled members of the international press could bitch-slap him without spilling his or her beer, Mr. Tepper asked, “What kind of beer?” and was promptly bitch-slapped by CNN’s Paula Zahn, whose King Cobra remained daintily in its 24-ounce can.