Man Wasting His Life by Enjoying It

Sources close to Berkeley resident Daniel Arnette report that the 24-year-old percussionist and freelance graphic designer is throwing his life away by habitually seeking happiness and fulfillment from his waking hours.

“Just last week, Daniel was telling me that he had spent the day holed up in his apartment, watching cartoons, eating potato chips, and practicing on his bongos,” said Arnette’s mother, Helen. “I can’t tell you how it breaks my heart to see him enjoying himself like that.”

Steve Hewitt, Arnette’s roommate and a sufferer of chronic fatigue syndrome, agreed. “No two ways about it: Dan’s in serious trouble here. If he doesn’t get it together soon, he’s going to wake up one morning and realize that he’s squandered the best years of his life having a good time.”