Students Rewarded for Showing Up

After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will instead receive a “Certificate of Attendance,” a Datsun, two ounces of methamphetamine, and a triple beam scale. “They’re going to need it,” remarked State Secretary of Education Richard Riordan.

Through implementation of this test, the Board of Education hopes to further reward stupid, dirty students so that they can continue working at Starbucks. Students who receive the Certificate of Attendance need not worry, though, as such respected universities as DeVry and ITT Tech will still consider them for admission.

DeVry-Turlock campus administrators confirmed that they will be scheduling a Fall 2006 course entitled “Putting Your Pants On Before Your Shoes.”

Those who fail the test will also be given the option of a menial job as an assembly-line worker in a windowless factory in Bakersfield. Ironically, this factory builds nothing but machines that score standardized tests. Asked about the cosmic turn of events, factory night shift manager Josh DeSigly mused, “Want to buy some meth?”