A Guide to University Speech Codes

Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles of Community” are a learning tool for all the retards out there.

Following is a list of phrases considered incorrect under the new Principles of Community, complete with suggestions to improve them.

Example: “Boy, those Mexicans sure like there cockfights.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is very inappropriate. The correct spelling of the word is “their,” not “there.”

Example: “I can’t get a student loan because of those scheming Jew-bankers.”
What’s Wrong With This: The phrase “Jew-bankers” should not include a hyphen, as it implies that the transnational cabal of Jewish usurers is indeed a discrete group of people. This is untrue–they are not people.

Example: “I’m really lucky that black guy didn’t break into my car and steal my radio.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is based on the common stereotype that black people steal car radios, when in fact, they are busy fucking your girlfriend with their giant penises. Collectively speaking.

Example: “Dirty Persian just looked at me funny, Ed.”
What’s Wrong With This: Whoa, hold on a second: that black guy actually did steal your radio. Sorry to tell you.

Example Conversation Between 2 Professors: “My TA told me that women still earn 25% less than men.”
“So did you give her a university-mandated raise?”
“I told her to suck my cock or I’d fire her.”
“So what happened?”
“Oh, she sucked my cock. Then I fired her.”
What’s Wrong With This: Women earn 27% less than men, not 25%. Keep dreaming, ladies.

Example: “There are so many Asians here that when I see people wearing vintage ’70s clothing, I feel like blowing up some goddamn Charlie schoolchildren.”
What’s Wrong With This: The majority of Asian-American students at Cal don’t come from Vietnam, and it is therefore inappropriate to call them “Charlie.” They are gooks.

Example: “After humans, they say dolphins are the smartest animals. Or is it Italians? No, it’s probably dolphins.”
What’s Wrong With This: Nothing. Note the proper use of “it’s.” This sentence is 100% correct.