Fellow Delegates of Apartment 401

The start of the school year brings about many new changes: freshmen are now sophomores and the library begins to resemble an Asian immigration office. However, the most important change takes place not on campus, but rather in my apartment, Apartment 401. That’s right everybody, it’s now election time in Apartment 401.

Having said that, I would like to accept my self-nomination for Ambassador of My Apartment Kitchen. This is a position that I would take remarkably seriously, just as I do all of Bob Saget’s jokes. So in order to convince you, the non-voting members of my apartment, to indeed vote for me, I will read a list of things I have and have not done during the course of my life.

I have:

  • Considered naming my first child “Ronald Reagan” after my least favorite highway.

  • Dedicated an entire summer to coming up with creative insults for Patrick Ewing, that tall dark thingy.

  • A tight ass.

  • Thanked God each and every day that spiders cannot jump. Well, except for that one spider, what’s it called? Oh yeah, THE JUMPING SPIDER. Fuck you God.

  • Looked Death in the face and laughed…at his hilariously accurate Jay Leno impression. I have never: > – Climbed Mount Everest…while wearing pants.

  • Mistakenly used a question mark where an exclamation point clearly belongs?

  • Blamed my girlfriend’s period for President Bush’s irrational actions toward global policies, when his own period is clearly to blame.

  • Chanted “TOGA” at my grandmother’s funeral GAA however, both my grandmothers are still alive. There is time.

  • Urinated in my hair conditioner to get back at myself for urinating in my shampoo.

  • Tried to teach myself calculus by dressing up as Sir Isaac Newton, going to a local high school math tournament, and throwing apples at all the participants.

  • Imagined having sex in an airport bathroom while having sex in a bus terminal bathroom.

  • Showed up to class wearing a mustache. Only a mustache.

  • Changed my last name to “Ouch, stop it” so my girlfriend would say my name during sex.As you can see, I have clearly displayed the responsibility required to be Ambassador of My Apartment Kitchen. If given the chance to serve my apartment, I could finally accomplish all those “I have nevers” that I want to do before the end of my stay here at Cal. Thanks for helping me fulfill my childhood dream of becoming the ambassador of something, albeit a kitchen, but fuck you, you can’t vote anyway.

In conclusion, I am currently running unopposed. God, I wish I could find some roommates.