Incoming Chancellor Robert J. Birgeneau has made little progress so far in his efforts to adapt to his new post. The gifted Canadian researcher has yet to shed his native people’s love and compassion for their fellow man, a trait which Berkeley officials fear may prevent him from ever navigating the local streets efficiently.
Last Thursday, the Chancellor was being taken on a tour of Telegraph Avenue when he stopped suddenly in front of a homeless veteran. Birgeneau stared thoughtfully at the man, a single tear rolling down his face as he watched the hobo play with a malnourished pit bull. This process was repeated seven more times as the Chancellor ventured down the street.
Other reports that Birgeneau’s Canadian small-town outlook was being taken advantage of by Berkeley’s big-city hoodlums could not be confirmed at press time, as the Chancellor’s office reported that he was busy meeting with several “wallet inspectors.”