It’s hard being the Strongest Man in the World. Most people would brush this assertion off, saying something like “No, it’s not.” What they don’t realize is, I plan to take their wallet and piledrive them into a steam grate for questioning me. So you see GAA it’s so very lonely at the top of Olympus.
One of the worst parts about being T.S.M.I.T.W. (The Strongest Man in the World) is that your friends always expect things from you. Observe:
They: Hey, can you help me move?
Me: Oh, I get it. Just ’cause I’m the STRONGEST fucking MAN IN THE WORLD you assume that I just love lifting foosball tables! Jerkass.
They: You’re juggling five foosball tables right now!
They: Then what are all those tables doing in your hands?
Me: What’s your head doing smashed into the floor?
As you can see, I have a tough time keeping friends…out of the hospital! I should have told you that I’m also the second funniest man in the world, the first of course being Slobodan Milosevic. Wait, no; I meant Tim Allen. I always make that mistake. Observe:
They: God, that history lecture was so boring.
Me: I know! I can’t believe they made us watch two straight hours of Home Improvement.
They: Um, that was a documentary about Bosnian genocide.
And sometimes I wonder if a lifetime spent earning my degree in Advanced P.E. Theory has ruined my social skills, like when I’m on the beach flexing my muscles:
Girl: Hey there, Hercules. You look pretty strong, but how about you show me ALL your muscles.
Me: Are you talking about my penis?
Girl: I thought that should’ve been clear since I was pointing at your groin and emphasized the word “all” while simultaneously winking.
Me: Unlike my giant pecs or glutes, my penis is not super strong.
Girl: Maybe it just needs some more EXERCISE! [Winks]
Me: Okay, I’m gonna explain this again. The penis is not a muscle. It is made up of spongy tissues that fill with blood to produce the hardness known as an erection. No amount of exercise can increase the size of the penis or these spongy materials.
Girl: Jeez, what a goddamned pussy. I’m gonna go see if those guys with the funny-looking letters on their shirts want to fuck.
Me: They’re Greek.
Girl: Naw, I think I can turn them straight.
However, being T.S.M.I.T.W. does have the occasional benefits, like during emergencies:
They: Oh no! A giant tidal wave is headed right for us! If only someone could shift that incredibly large but conveniently-placed boulder to block its path and save our town!
Me: Uh-oh. Looks like there’s only one thing to do…build a giant protective dam for myself out of the bodies of these weak fools!
They: WHAGAA [interrupted by the sound of their heads being snapped off and piled together]