If Every Problem at Cal Could Be Solved with a Form Letter

September 24, 2004

University of California, Berkeley
Billing and Payment Services
192 University Hall #1110
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear UC Regents:

Thank you for your interest in receiving the money we owe you. We are always pleased to hear from school departments that wish to collect payment for services rendered.

Although we welcome your invoices, we are obliged to inform you that you will not be seeing a red cent from us at any point in the foreseeable future. The reasons for this are various, and include the fact that we are permanently broke and that those laundry machines are a total rip, but please rest assured that we wish you success in your endeavors, however futile.


Eamon Doyle
Bill Avoidance Division

P.S. It is our policy that late fees are bullshit. Please retain the enclosed photograph of us giving you the finger for your records.

September 28, 2004

Guy Sitting Behind Us
100 Latimer Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Guy Sitting Behind Us,

It has recently come to our attention that you have been tapping your foot on the back of our chair for the last forty-seven minutes of this fifty-minute astronomy lecture. Given that it is currently nine o’clock in the morning, and we at Mark Thomas only stopped binge drinking four hours ago when we lost consciousness in a puddle of our own vomit and urine, the incessant tap-tap-tapping of your foot on our chair is evocative of Gilbert Gottfried jackhammering a colicky baby into our face.

As we have already made two cease-and-desist requests regarding this issue, this will be our final correspondence before we follow you out of class and into the restroom, where we will give you a swirlie.

Have a nice day,

Mark Thomas
Executive in Charge of Giving You a Swirlie

September 20, 2004

Ball-hogging Guys
c/o Recreational Sporting Facility
2301 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Ball-hogging Guys,

It has recently come to our attention that we at Sean Keane have been open for the majority of this afternoon’s basketball competition. We believe that your decision to entrust the coveted position of point guard to us was a wise one; however, we feel that you have not fully recognized and taken advantage of the numerous opportunities we have provided for the team GAA specifically, the opportunities for scoring and competitive demoralization (i.e. “trash talking”).

We recognize that we at Sean Keane are neither tall nor dexterous, but feel that we could be a tactical addition to your portfolio.


Sean Keane

P.S. We remain currently, as before, open. Please get back to us with the ball before the close of business today.

September 21, 2004

Ms. XXXX Doyle
23XX XXXX Avenue

Dear Ms. Doyle:

Thank you for your recent communication of Friday, September 17th. We appreciate your taking the time to share your opinions and concerns regarding the personal affairs of your first-born son.

Regretfully, we must inform you that at this time we have to plans to attain an occupation and support ourselves a little for a change, per your stated request. Moreover, we are presently unable to apply more effort to our political science class, as this would not be conducive to our current strategy of going to that one concert with our friend Steve-o.

Ms. Doyle, please know that we consider you a valued parent, and are always any open to any further comments or suggestions you may have.

Best wishes,

Eamon Doyle
Department of Family Affairs

September 23, 2004

Girl in Suite 2B51H
Foothill-LaLoma Dormitory
Berkeley, CA 94720

To Whom It May Concern:

We at Mark Thomas, in light of the recent dismissal of our proposal to rock your world, have unanimously elected to reject your conciliatory offer of friendship, as it was decidedly devoid of all desired amenities outlined in the original contract GAA most notably, blowjobs. The refusal on your part to participate in negotiations regarding addition of any key benefits to the tabled offer has led us to question the integrity of your intentions and reputation as a pincushion for dicks.

It is thusly concordant with our current vision that all company resources will be diverted to watching ourselves weep silently in a mirror.

We wish you much success in your attempts to spread your sloppy vagina all over Slutsville, though we are certain that in this endeavor, success is inevitable.


Mark Thomas
Director of Waiting for You to Call, You Fucking Bitch

September 21, 2004

Bearded Homeless Man
Between Top Dog and Smart Alec’s
Durant Avenue
Berkeley, CA 94708

Dear Bearded Homeless Man,

We appreciate the inquiry as to the financial health of Sean Keane. Unfortunately, Sean Keane is not at liberty at this time to discuss the issue of whether or not he possesses change, much less the larger question of whether such hypothetical change is indeed “spare.” As such, the objective of the requested funds, be it food, alcohol, or some baser, as-yet-unimaginable-to-Sean Keane homeless-person vice, is currently irrelevant.

We wish you the best of success in your future solicitations. However, we regret that this new policy in regards to change reporting will be in place until further notice, and that any further inquiries will be met with a blank stare or a hearty “Sorry, man.”

Respectfully yours,

Sean Keane