Words from the Top

JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics

_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In the following column, we have corrected that error. _


Recently, the Heuristic Squelch has been the source of some controversy on campus. In response to the ensuing unrest within the university community, we have taken a measure to prevent further confusion about the content of our magazine. We hope this will clarify the intentions of our publication in terms JOKE! even a coolie could understand.

At one point, there was a bill before the ASUC senate that would officially condemn the Squelch and force us to print an apology for “poisoning the climate on campus.” Evidence cited for this included several racially-motivated crimes that were committed last year and JOKE! the fact that huffing paint feels really good. Wait, this issue of the Squelch caused ignorant criminals to attack people last semester? JOKE! We’re like the Marty McFly of hate crimes.

As is now apparent, JOKE! this has been a period of growth and maturity within the Squelch. It has also become apparent that the influence of comedy is much more powerful than we had originally thought. It was not clear, for instance, that referring to homosexual persons as JOKE! “anti-people” would cause the dormant hatred of society to reawaken and tear apart the tenuous wall of pretense that heretofore was the sole guardian of their right to exist as JOKE! human beings. This was printed under the assumption that our words were nothing more than satirical jest. Clearly, JOKE! we were wrong.

In spite of criticism from all sides, including JOKE! the ASUC, the Squelch has decided to bring its newfound influential powers to bear on campus. Here are just a few of the things that the Squelch pledges to accomplish in the coming months through its published content:

1) Eliminate crying due to sadness and pain, repurpose sadness to now be expressed by eating ice cream on sunny summer days with loved ones.

2) Procure an economy-line LCD monitor for a reasonable price.

3) Cease the incessant burning of the infernal sun.

4) Open nationwide chain of ice cream stands.

It is important to keep in mind that we, too, are merely college students. We, like you, probably just want to have sex JOKE! with other people. Other people like women.

So, if you have an LCD monitor you are willing to let go for around $150, please let us know. And if we made you cry, JOKE! we’re sorry.