Latest Issue
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 14- Issue 3

Jim Caviezel Asks for It

November 1, 2004
,

According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is looking forward to being the only actor in Hollywood to have portrayed both Jesus and Superman in the span of a career.

“My dick is SO HUGE!” said Caviezel. “I mean…it’s like…okay, you know those big oil drums?”

However, some critics say that Caviezel, who was struck by lightning twice while playing the Son of God, is just asking for trouble in playing the Last Son of Krypton as well. “George Reeves played Superman GAA a hero impervious to bullets GAA in the 1952 television series, and he was shot to death,” said film historian Leonard Maltin. “And after Christopher Reeve played Superman GAA a hero impervious to horse-fall-induced spinal cord injuries GAA he died of a heart attack. Jim’s basically saying, ‘Hey Fate! Wanna do something really fucking ironic?'”

Maltin predicts that Caviezel will either be crucified by a speeding bullet but live forever, fall off a tall building and drown in a pool of water that used to be wine, or be crushed by a locomotive more powerful than he after eating five thousand poor people.

Volume 14- Issue 3

A Day in the Life of Ma-ti

Planeteer with the Power of Heart

November 1, 2004
,

Power Assignment Meeting

Captain Planet: So we’ve got the four main elements covered and assigned to the proper ethnic stereotype, but what is it that Indians do again?
Gaia: Dot Indian or Feather Indian?
Captain Planet: Umm, dot, I guess.
Gaia: Oh, they can hold their breath forever.
Captain Planet: Really? Every Indian?
Gaia: Yup.

Power Assignment Meeting (continued)

Gaia: Let’s see, we’ve got an American, an African, a Russian, an Asian, and a Latino GAA
Captain Planet: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, we can’t have two Latinos on the same team!
Gaia: But who’s the other GAA
Captain Planet: …
Gaia: …
Captain Planet: Look over there! [Returns as energy into the rings]

Break Room

Wheeler: My ring controls the power of fire. What does yours do?
Ma-ti: Well, so far I’ve found that animals will generally do my bidding.
[Goat enters]
Wheeler: Really? So, like, for example, you could make that goat sit still for two to three minutes?
Ma-ti: Sure, I guess.
Wheeler: [Unzips pants] Great! Do it or I burn you.

On the Job

Looten Plunder: I’m going to get you, do-gooder!
Ma-ti: Power of Heart, soothe my enemies!
Looten Plunder: …
Ma-ti: Wait…shit…you aren’t an animal, are you?
Looten Plunder: No, I’m from Reno…
Ma-ti: Oh, this is awkward.
Looten Plunder: So…I’m gonna mess you up now…
Ma-ti: [Sighs]

With the Boss

Ma-ti: I mean, come on, Gaia! Heart? What the fuck!!
Gaia: Well, I’m voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. How do you think that makes me feel?
Ma-ti: Fat?
Gaia: RWWWAAAARRRRR!
[They fight]
Ma-ti: Power of Heart, kill the career!
Gaia: YOU CAN’T KILL WHAT IS ALREADY DEAD!

After Hours

Captain Planet: Ma-ti geta GAA get obver herre GAA
Ma-ti: Captain, you’re drunk again.
Captain Planet: Did I evvver tell you shhh…did I evurr tell you that…
Ma-ti: Did you ever tell me what, Captain?
Captain Planet: C’mere shhhhh…didja know I’ma He-She?
Ma-ti: Ah, that explains the unitard GAA
Captain Planet: Annnd I go down on myself.
Ma-ti: What?!?
Captain Planet: What?!?

Volume 14- Issue 3

Morrissey to Not Use Sarcasm

November 1, 2004
,

Famed singer Morrissey, formerly of The Smiths, has written a song containing neither irony nor sarcasm. The new single, slated to kick off his forthcoming album, is called “I Actually Drive a Jaguar” and should hit radio airwaves in late November.

When asked about the track, Morrissey said, “I don’t always have to be spiteful and depressed. Sometimes it’s just nice to do something different.” Immediately after the interview was published, Smiths fans all over the world gathered together and crowded into Jaguar dealerships to mope about being all alone.

A promo copy of the song includes such lyrics as “I drive a Jaguar and I live in Malibu. I’m rich, rich, rich. Sooooooooo sad…to not be rich, rich, rich like meeee.”

Volume 14- Issue 3

Disabled Students Program

November 1, 2004
,

I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This qualifies me for registration with the Disabled Students Program (DSP), which is the office that organizes academic accommodations like Extended Time Testing (ETT) and Note Taking Assistance (NTA) for students with Documented Learning Disabilities (TARDS). Because of my involvement with this program, I have often been persecuted by the students and faculty of this university by being granted accommodations I don’t deserve. Observe:

Taking Attendance

GSI: Brown, Joseph.
Joseph: Here.
GSI: Brownstein, Aaron.
Me: Here.
GSI: Oh, this says you’re DSP. Do you want extra time on the exams?
Me: I qualify for some extended time, yes.
GSI: What about a note taker? Do you need a note taker?
Me: I don’t really need that, but thanks.
GSI: Would you like a backrub?
Me: Uh, I don’t think that’s GAA
GSI: Can I titty-fuck you?

Keys I

DSP Counselor: Okay, I’m going to be giving you keys to all the special facilities you’ll need to access.
Me: Okay.
DSP Counselor: Here’s the key to your distraction-free private testing room. It’s brand new and totally soundproof. The only downside is that there wasn’t anything available on campus. You’ll find it on Durant.
Me: This key says “Porsche.”
DSP Counselor: And here’s another key for the Club on the steering wheel.

In Theater Class

Professor: Okay Aaron, what monologue are you going to do for us today?
Me: I’m playing Hamlet.
Professor: I think that’s a bit advanced for you.
Me: Then I’ll do Biff from Death of a Salesman.
Professor: Look, you’re DSP…
Me: [Sighs] Okay, I’ll do the big-cock scene from Boogie Nights, again.
Professor: Attaboy.

Keys II

DSP Counselor: And here’s your key to the Disabled Washroom.
Me: Wait, aren’t there wheelchair-accessible restrooms all over campus?
DSP Counselor: Yeah, but this one has quilted toilet paper.
Me: What learning disability is that for?
DSP Counselor: Hemophilia.
Me: Eew.

Swim Team Tryouts

Me: I’m here to try out for the team.
Coach: Well, you’re DSP, and it’s pretty hard to swim in a wheelchair…
Me: I don’t have a wheelchair.
Coach: Also, this is the women’s team. Men’s tryouts are tomorrow.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Team Member: Oh my god! You’re disabled and trying out for the swim team? That’s SOOO brave! Can I titty-fuck you?
Me: Actually, I just have ADD.
Team Member: Oh, okay. Never mind.
Me: …ADD of the spine.

Keys III

DSP Counselor: This last key is for GAA
Me: No, wait, let me guess. It’s for a hidden room in the Asian-American Studies building that serves as a free dry cleaner’s and opium den.
DSP Counselor: Actually GAA
Me: Or maybe it’s the top secret Department of Glory Hole Studies.
DSP Counselor: Well GAA
Me: Or maybe it unlocks the secret of eternal life! That’s it, isn’t it? Does that key unlock the door to the fountain of youth?!
DSP Counselor: No, no, of course not. You were right the first time.

Academic Problems

Dean of Students: Okay, you’ve failed most of your classes here at Cal. I’m afraid we have no other choice. You have been expelled from the University of California, Berkeley.
Me: Wait! I’m DSP! Doesn’t that count for anything?!
Dean of Students: Oh! Why didn’t you say so before? I’m terribly sorry! YOU…HAVE…BEEN…EXPELLED…

Volume 14- Issue 3

Squelch Endorsements of the Future

November 1, 2004

After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda of the future._

Year: 2006

Proposition 104: Fair Share for Indians GAA YES

This bill is that one what gives them lousy red-faced dice-rolling firewater drinkers a fair share of my fist.

Year: 2008

Proposition 35: Extend Sports Metaphors Further Into the Criminal Justice System GAA YES

This will extend the Three Strikes law into other areas, creating the infield fly rule for corporate governance, the hat-trick rule for abortion rights, and the 40-love rule for stem cell harvesting.

Year: 2010

Proposition 94: Re-re-re-re-re-legalize Gay Marriage GAA YES

We feel that gay citizens should enjoy the same legal rights and protections as their straight counterparts, at least for the 36 hours before this proposition is overturned.

Year: 2012

Proposition 228B: Indecent Proposition GAA NO, to save our relationship.

California needed the money, but how low would the state go to get it? He said it would be for one night only. He said he’d never come back.

He lied.

Year: 2014

Proposition 45: Stop Using Humans to Cure Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: 2016

Proposition 36: Outlaw Gaelic Marriage GAA YES

The Jesus-thumping conservatives might have gone a little too far on this one, but who are we to put them in their place?

Year: 2020

Proposition 79: Stop Resurrecting Reagan with Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: Jesus2 + 3

Proposition 117: Allocate $48 Billion to Treat Victims of Cell Phone Cancer GAA YES

Volume 14- Issue 3

The Seminal Works of Dr. Seuss

November 1, 2004
,

Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive look at Dr. Seuss’s greatest accomplishments is an excerpt from a rough draft of his most popular work, The Cat in the Hat. Enjoy!

The Cat in the Hat

This a chilling tale exploring the utter isolation and disillusionment of a generation of fatherless latch-key kids raised by imaginary cats.

And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street

Seuss’s first published children’s novel captivated readers with an imaginative romp, covering everything incredible, from zebras to airplanes to Chinese men eating with sticks.

The Sneetches

Everybody remembers the fantastical, star-studded shenanigans of the Sneetches. What they don’t remember is the Holocaust. This story was written to remind people of that.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

This classic tale of how a stone-hearted curmudgeon was turned through the magical Christmas spirit of the less-fortunate is the most original story ever written.

Green Eggs and Ham

A little-known fact: Dr. Seuss never did get around to eating green eggs and ham himself. He did eat potatoes and sausage, though he never fully enjoyed them.

The Cat in the Hat Goes to Jail

“Hooray!” said the Cat.
“Let’s do something new!”
And with a snap and a clap
Out popped Thing One
And Thing Two.

What zany, what crazy,
What lazy good fun!
Thing One was a bag
Thing Two was a gun!

“Clickity-clack, ” said he,
“Bringity-ding-ding!
Watch what I do
With your mother’s ear-rings!”

And with that he dropped
Into his great sack
My mother’s great treasures
And my father’s great plaque.

“So there, fair children,
I bid you Adieu!”
And out the door
Went he, Thing One
And Thing Two!

That’s when he got arrested.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Volume 14, Issue 2: Diebold 2: Die Bolder

October 1, 2004
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Second-rate Magic Tricks

October 1, 2004
  1. The Magic of Reading
  2. Contracting HIV but maintaining a high T-cell count
  3. Removing grape juice from a carpet with Oxy-Clean
  4. Turning a half-full glass of water into a half-empty glass of water
  5. Levitating a Hovercraft
  6. Reading your own mind
  7. Unzipping your pants and punching yourself in the balls…TA-DA!
  8. Sawing a loaf of bread in half
  9. Pulling a rabbit out of a larger, pregnant rabbit
  10. Pulling a quarter out of your pocket
Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Lesbian Candies

October 1, 2004
  1. BeTwix’t Her Legs
  2. 3 Muskydikes
  3. 5th Avenue…Where Two Women Are Currently Eating Each Other’s Vaginas
  4. Snickers from Normal People
  5. Ani DiFranco Acoustic Guitar Symphony Bar
  6. O Henrietta!
  7. Skor (with Women)
  8. Mounds
  9. Klit Kat
  10. Butchy Ruth