Squelch Endorsements of the Future

November 1, 2004

After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda of the future._

Year: 2006

Proposition 104: Fair Share for Indians GAA YES

This bill is that one what gives them lousy red-faced dice-rolling firewater drinkers a fair share of my fist.

Year: 2008

Proposition 35: Extend Sports Metaphors Further Into the Criminal Justice System GAA YES

This will extend the Three Strikes law into other areas, creating the infield fly rule for corporate governance, the hat-trick rule for abortion rights, and the 40-love rule for stem cell harvesting.

Year: 2010

Proposition 94: Re-re-re-re-re-legalize Gay Marriage GAA YES

We feel that gay citizens should enjoy the same legal rights and protections as their straight counterparts, at least for the 36 hours before this proposition is overturned.

Year: 2012

Proposition 228B: Indecent Proposition GAA NO, to save our relationship.

California needed the money, but how low would the state go to get it? He said it would be for one night only. He said he’d never come back.

He lied.

Year: 2014

Proposition 45: Stop Using Humans to Cure Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: 2016

Proposition 36: Outlaw Gaelic Marriage GAA YES

The Jesus-thumping conservatives might have gone a little too far on this one, but who are we to put them in their place?

Year: 2020

Proposition 79: Stop Resurrecting Reagan with Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: Jesus2 + 3

Proposition 117: Allocate $48 Billion to Treat Victims of Cell Phone Cancer GAA YES

Volume 14- Issue 3

Words from the Top

An Above Average Guy

November 1, 2004

feature, Mark Thomas, Matt Loker

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents like that. When I was six I found out I was great at receiving blood transfusions. But I discovered that only after learning how much scotch and cars were in love with my dad.

Of course I’m better at receiving blowjobs: my senses are just more acute than yours. My hearing is ten times bigger and my sense of smell is three-and-a-half inches longer than yours, not to mention double-jointed. It’s a simple matter of fact, then, that while I succeed at listening to the sweet song of a summer flower, you inevitably and continuously fail.

It’s not like I’m claiming to be the greatest guy in the world; I’m just really good at everyday things. My vote counted a little bit more than yours, but only because I live in double-Florida. I can type sixty words a minute, given three minutes to type that phrase. I’m really good at knowing when people are calling me, which you’re just jealous of because I can swallow more phones than you.

I also once got oral herpes, which isn’t all that amazing, except that I got it from a handjob.

As a top-shelf kind of guy, I like the finer things in life. I like my fine imported beers ice-cold, and my ice to taste like warm Schlitz. I like to have more than anyone else, which is great when it comes to all my caviar, but not so great when you consider all the extra teeth I had surgically added just to eat it all.

Sure, a lot of people call me average, but I never pay them much mind because even though their words come in huge and clear, I’m usually too busy averaging your mom to notice.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Morrissey to Not Use Sarcasm

November 1, 2004

Mitch Rodricks, newsflash

Famed singer Morrissey, formerly of The Smiths, has written a song containing neither irony nor sarcasm. The new single, slated to kick off his forthcoming album, is called “I Actually Drive a Jaguar” and should hit radio airwaves in late November.

When asked about the track, Morrissey said, “I don’t always have to be spiteful and depressed. Sometimes it’s just nice to do something different.” Immediately after the interview was published, Smiths fans all over the world gathered together and crowded into Jaguar dealerships to mope about being all alone.

A promo copy of the song includes such lyrics as “I drive a Jaguar and I live in Malibu. I’m rich, rich, rich. Sooooooooo sad…to not be rich, rich, rich like meeee.”

Volume 14- Issue 3

A Parent’s Guide to Your Daughter’s Future

November 1, 2004

Cassie Wu, feature, Serra Bozeman

A growing problem among young girls in the U.S. is their tendency to set low goals for themselves. The seeds of underachievement can take root in little girls as young as three or four and can often be seen in their games of pretend. We’ve provided you with a few sample scenarios to be on the lookout for.

Princess

Suzy: Okay, you’re gonna be the beautiful princess that everybody loves, and I get to be her maid, who wears stinky, ugly dresses and sweeps all day long and cries because no one loves her.
Becky: Not again! Why do I gotta be the princess!?!
Suzy: ‘Cause it’s my house and Mommy says I can do whatever I want. Now you go wait for Prince Charming while I go wash the King’s socks. In the moat. Filled with my tears.

Girlfriend

Suzy: Happy Valentine’s Day, Johnny! I baked you a dozen cookies!
Johnny: [Looks in heart-shaped tin] Oatmeal raisin?
Suzy: I’m so sorry! I’m a terrible girlfriend!
Johnny: Becky always made me snickerdoodles.
[Pause]
Suzy: Want me to touch your foo-foo?

Mommy

Suzy: [Holds doll, shakes finger furiously at it] I can’t believe you, Baby! If it wasn’t for you, Daddy would have loved me and married me and we’d have lived happily ever after! [Sits doll in high chair] Well Missy, whaddaya have to say for yourself?
Doll: [Remains motionless]
Suzy: [Under breath] Mommy needs another Camel Wight.

Superwoman

Suzy: Oh no! There’s a big fire in Kalamazoo and everyone’s going to die unless I go right now and save the day!
Becky: Too late. My boyfriend already took care of it.
Suzy: [Sighs] Can I be Lois now?

House

Suzy: How was your day, honey?
Johnny: Great! I made 23 cents more than you did!
Suzy: Wow! How can I make more money?
Johnny: You can’t.
Suzy: …
Johnny: [Hands Suzy a quarter] Here, go treat yourself to a pretty pink gumball.
Suzy: Johnny, you know I’m watching my carbs!

Doctor

Suzy: My turn!
Johnny: Girls can’t be doctors!
Suzy: Why not?
Johnny: ‘Cause you have to know math and science and stuff.
Suzy: That sounds hard. [Pause] But I can marry a doctor!
Johnny: Suzy, you and I are just friends. Now get back on the gurney.

Hopefully after reading this guide, you do not recall seeing your own daughter playing any similar games. But in the case that you have, understand that starting a college fund may not necessarily be your top priority. In fact, it’s probably a better idea to simply cash in those savings bonds now and buy yourself something nice. Like a Colt .45. Or a son.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Volume 14, Issue 2: Diebold 2: Die Bolder

October 1, 2004

issue

PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Converted Rock Bands

October 1, 2004

top ten

Peter, Paul, and Mary (the Ones from the Bible)
The Chemical-free Brothers
Guns N’ Moses
Nirvana…Does Not Exist
Green Day That the Lord Hath Made
Three Wise Men at Work
Not-so-bad Religion
John 3:11
Burning Bush
Ozzy Osbourne Again

Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Scientist Pickup Lines

October 1, 2004

top ten

“Damn Yolanda, you must be a quantum singularity, because I’m drawn to your black hole.”
“You’re like a carbon molecule, ’cause every part of me wants to bond with you.”
“I’m like Schroedinger’s cat, because every time you look at me, I die.”
“You’re like a microscope sample, because I need to mount you.”
“I must have a Bunsen burner in my chest, ’cause my heart’s on fire.”
“You’re like an elevated temperature, ’cause you’ve excited all my particles.”
“You must be traveling at the speed of light, ’cause time stopped when I saw you.”
“Baby, can you help me integrate my natural log?”
“You must know Bernoulli’s Principle, ’cause damn, you so fly!”
“Girl, you must be a parametric equation, ’cause you got curves in all the right places.”

Volume 14- Issue 2

The Real Wonder Years

October 1, 2004

feature, Unfunny Asshole 2

Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in our lives, we could stop for a three-minute internal monologue featuring the voice of renowned comic/actor Daniel Stern.

Hiking…

Lindsay: What are you looking at, Kevin?
Kevin’s Internal Monologue: Oh no! A giant boulder was heading straight for Lindsay!
Lindsay: Why aren’t you talking?
Internal Monologue: Boy, this was a big moment in my life. I just knew that if I could save Lindsay from that giant boulder, I’d be a hero in her eyes. From that moment on I was resolved to act. I knew I could GAA
Lindsay: AHHHHHH!!!
Kevin: …Whoops.

Studying with Flashcards…

Mom: Okay, Kevin. I’ll hold up the card, and you read the word and tell me which periodic element it is. [Holds up card showing “Fe”]
Internal Monologue: It was hard remembering all the elements, but my mom cared about my education and she was always willing to…
Mom: Kevin! Can’t you even guess? This is an easy one.
Internal Monologue: Iron! It’s iron! Say iron!
Kevin: Phosphorus.
Internal Monologue: You fuckup. You fucking GAA dammit.

In Class…

Teacher: Okay, Kevin. Please show us how to solve this equation on the board.
Internal Monologue: Was he serious? I was no genius, how could I…
Teacher: Kevin, why are you staring into space? And where’s that warm, comforting background music coming from?
Kevin: Oh boy, this was getting bad fast.
Teacher: Who are you talking to and why are you speaking in the past tense?
Internal Monologue: Oh, nothing, Mr. Rhymer.
Kevin: Boy, that was close.
Teacher: Are you retarded or something?

On a Date…

Winnie Cooper: I had a great night, Kevin. We should do this again sometime.
Internal Monologue: Oh boy, she was leaning forward. Did she want me to kiss her? What if I leaned forward to kiss her and she pulled back? I knew this was a big moment and I was scared, but I had to make a decision before GAA
Winnie Cooper: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Internal Monologue: Wow, two boulders in one day. What are the odds? I should really stop taking people to the sunken edge of this gorge.

Gambling on Baseball Games…

Paul: Kevin, you’re crazy. The Seattle Pilots will never beat the Senators.
Kevin: I’m telling you. They’re gonna win the pennant.
Paul: Wanna bet 50 dollars?
Internal Monologue: Boy. This was a big decision. Did I want to gamble even though my father forbade it?…Wait, shit, I remember that A.L. pennant race. They lost! DON’T MAKE THE BET! DON’T MAKE THE BET!
Kevin: You’re on!
Internal Monologue: Aw, screw this, I’m gonna flash back to that episode where special guest gym teacher Robert Picardo taught sex ed and hilarity ensued. [Wistful sigh] Hilarity ensued.