I Get Arrested. A Lot.

Of all the things to get, arrested certainly isn’t at the top of most people’s lists. For me, I’ve been told it’s not so much a personal shortcoming as it is an error of method. But no matter what angle you’re taking, getting arrested isn’t good for business. When you’re an international jewel thief, that’s like getting fired for a couple of years.

I mean, I’ve had lots of jobs, but no one wants to hear about how I worked at Valero. It’s always “twenty bucks on four” this and “where’s your manager” that. I guess most people wouldn’t come out and tell you that they’re an IJT. But when you take away the elaborate security systems, illegality, and action-packed, high-octane lifestyle, you’re really just another run-of-the-mill average Joe.

Sure, some of my colleagues employed “secrecy” when lifting priceless gems, but not this guy. No sir, I like to announce as loud as possible that I’m a jewel thief. That way, when the hammer comes down, nobody actually thinks that the jewel thief would steal the jewels. Did I mention I’m in prison right now? That might be relevant.

Anyway, I got a lot of flack for revealing my secret identity via a full-page ad in International Jewel Thief, a magazine I created for the sole purpose of informing people that I am a jewel thief. I couldn’t afford to print the magazine, so instead I sky-wrote it above museums and rich people’s houses.

When I finally got out of prison again, I decided to direct my creative energies elsewhere, so I became a screenwriter. After all, I had experience doing plenty of interesting things like inventing magazines. But I just wrote about my many adventures burgling precious stones, so my screenplays ended up being oddly-formatted confessions.

I’ve been arrested at two premieres, by the way, but one time was for assaulting a child in front of a movie theater and wasn’t so much of a premiere as it was embarrassing.

Then I started a successful clothing line aimed at infants called Incognite. I was basically just using kids to steal jewels. Don’t ask me how, I’m tired. But man was I arrested then. On a scale from Hugh Grant to James Brown of how arrested I was, I was definitely a James Brown+.

So if you want my advice, if you’re planning on being an international jewel thief, get ready for a solid dose of awesome.