<i>Pirates of the Caribbean</i> Party Results in No Booty

Jeremy Stout, a fifth-year mass communications major, has finally decided to depledge from fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha after not getting any action at their “Pirates of the Caribbean” party last Friday.

For the party, AAA hired DJ Chentastic, who spun uncomfortably high-pitched trance music while two overweight sorority girls danced in a poorly-designed stripper cage. They were the only two girls in attendance, and it was when they managed to vomit all over AAA’s official GPA booster Sam Chang’s EECS homework as he unsuccessfully attempted to undo their Juicy sweatpants before he ejaculated, while all of the frat brothers stood in the corner with cups of Nattie Ice wearing Abercrombie & Fitch shorts, wife beaters, and backwards trucker hats constructed entirely of repressed homosexual angst, that Stout knew it was time to depledge.

When reached for comment, fraternity president Richard Ho said, “Did you see Chang totally going to town on that chick while his cat watched? Man that was funny.” He then solicited high-fives from a passer-by, and upon being rejected, shrugged and looked awkwardly at a hole in his shirt.

“I really hate fat chicks,” sighed the stripper cage.