According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is looking forward to being the only actor in Hollywood to have portrayed both Jesus and Superman in the span of a career.
“My dick is SO HUGE!” said Caviezel. “I mean…it’s like…okay, you know those big oil drums?”
However, some critics say that Caviezel, who was struck by lightning twice while playing the Son of God, is just asking for trouble in playing the Last Son of Krypton as well. “George Reeves played Superman GAA a hero impervious to bullets GAA in the 1952 television series, and he was shot to death,” said film historian Leonard Maltin. “And after Christopher Reeve played Superman GAA a hero impervious to horse-fall-induced spinal cord injuries GAA he died of a heart attack. Jim’s basically saying, ‘Hey Fate! Wanna do something really fucking ironic?'”
Maltin predicts that Caviezel will either be crucified by a speeding bullet but live forever, fall off a tall building and drown in a pool of water that used to be wine, or be crushed by a locomotive more powerful than he after eating five thousand poor people.