Since the dawn of time in 1943, we at the SETI Institute have scoured the depths of the universe in hopes of finding life outside our solar system. So far we have been unsuccessful, prompting many critics to call our work trivial or useless, and others to call our work both trivial and useless. Well, fuck you crit-dicks. I am here to report that we have finally made contact with extraterrestrial beings. Surprisingly, these aliens do not seem too intelligent. Quite frankly, they sound like a bunch of fucking idiots. Using the powerful radio wave telescopes (featured in Jodie Foster’s hit extraterrestrial adventure thriller, Nell) we have intercepted the following conversations from not-so-intelligent life:
Alien 1: Our Boronian Lander seems to be off course. Did you do the measurement in Glatidotes or Meritotes?
Alien 2: Meritotes.
Alien 1: Jesus H.W.C.M.T.R.H. Christ. Now we’ll never get to Boron, the waterslide planet.
A1: Frank, do you think there is life outside of our little nine-moon, 100,000,000-mile-wide planet?
A1: Not even somewhere out there?
A2: No, and even if there were, how the fuck would they contact us?
A1: By gigantic radio wave satellites, like in that one Jodie Foster movie, Panic Room.
A2: I don’t really like what she’s done with her career.
A1: Hey Klixzer, did you get the stuff?
A2: Yeah…here it is.
A1: What? Don’t tell me you paid 50 Zorzars for this…there are like only two gragzies in this space bag.
A2: Sorry, man…it was dark, I didn’t check.
A1: Now we’ll never be higher life-forms.
A2: Hahaha! Higher life-forms, that’s a play on words. Because, you know, higher can mean…more intelligent…or it can mean GAA
A1: Dude, you smoked the other 1.5 gragzies, didn’t you?
A2: Can I touch your hair?
A1: Dude, I’m so Bergersmackled!
A2: Bergersmackled? That isn’t even a word, you fucking Manicoodle.
A1: So who did you vote for?
A2: Gavin Buccaneer.
A1: What? I can’t believe that. He’s probably the only politician in the whole universe who would unlawfully invade another planet for their resources. I personally think we need to get our troops out of the Vernitron galaxy GAA allowing them to structure their own government independently. Plus, he doesn’t even support marriage between two Latimates. Now come here so I can fuck you in the BooTrax.
A2: Yeah, but he has lowered the price of solar fuel. Ouch, not so fast.