The University of California at Berkeley and Vista Community College: A Study in Dichotomy

Last year, I went to Cal. This year, I am going to Vista. You can guess why. These are some of the differences I have noticed. Most of the following accounts are based on true stories.

Questions in Class

Cal
Student: If I may pose a hypothesis on the transcendent unilateralization of Nietzsche’s archipelographic dissidence… [Thirty minutes of student verbally blowing himself]

Vista
Student: What’s that thing on the board?
Professor: Which thing?
Student: You know, that thing with all the colors and numbers and stuff.
Professor: You mean the pie graph?
Student: [Writing furiously in notebook] Pie…graph. Right. But what does it mean, though?

Student Body

Cal
Average Student: Hi. I’m Asian.

Vista
Average Student: Hi. I’m a recovering crack addict with no feeling in my left leg because of the seizure I had when I was eleven after overdosing on the crystal meth that my mom packed in my lunch this one time when we were out of Gushers.

Campus Police

Cal
UCPD Officer: I’m drivin’ a Segway! Woo hoo!

Vista
VPD Officer: To my knowledge, I don’t exist. But I’ll still fuck you up if you’re black.

Drug Dealers

Cal
Shady Dude: Hey man, wanna buy some weed?

Vista
Shady Dude: Hey man, wanna go to Cal and sell some weed?

Clubs and Activities

Cal
Student: Join the Campus Christian Organization!
Student: Pledge CALPIRG!
Student: End Asian Apathy!

Vista
Shady Dude: Hey man, wanna go to Cal and sell some weed?

Campus Fashion

Cal
Student: Hey buddy, that Cal sweatshirt looks great on you!
Other Student: Right back at ya, buddy!

Vista
Student: Once I get the cash together, I’m totally gonna get some Rogaine and grow out my unibrow.

Extra Credit

Cal
English Professor: The exam will have one extra credit question, worth two points, about an obscure branch of medieval literature that you could not possibly have heard of.

Vista
English Professor: You! Can you tie your shoes?
Student: Uh, yeah.
English Professor: One hundred and fifty percent! Great job!
Student: [Whispers to friend] Dude, I was so bullshitting.