Tragedy Befalls Guinness

The Guinness Brewing Company, world renowned for championing Irish stereotypes and for its quasi-popular Guinness Book of World Records, witnessed record-breaking bloodshed at its annual World Record Holders Convention in Burbank, California, last weekend.

According to preliminary reports, the incident began as the World’s Smallest Midget and the World’s Smallest Dwarf argued over who could fit more snugly into the overhead compartment of an airplane. The argument was brought to a halt as the dwarf stabbed a comically oversized fork into the midget’s eye. The World’s Fattest Man, a close friend of the midget, rolled his four-ton body onto the dwarf in bloody retaliation. The dwarf’s body has yet to be excavated.

This instigated the World’s Angriest Man to bash various other world record holders (among them the World’s Blindest Man) with the World’s Most Dangerous Wiffle Bat while the World’s Saddest Man sat in a corner and cried. To end this pointless massacre, the one-eyed man managed to stab the angriest man despite lacking depth perception. Meanwhile, the no-eyed man tried to help his visually impaired brother but ended up beating the life out of an unsuspecting and non-world record-holding shrub.