The Real Wonder Years

Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in our lives, we could stop for a three-minute internal monologue featuring the voice of renowned comic/actor Daniel Stern.


Lindsay: What are you looking at, Kevin?
Kevin’s Internal Monologue: Oh no! A giant boulder was heading straight for Lindsay!
Lindsay: Why aren’t you talking?
Internal Monologue: Boy, this was a big moment in my life. I just knew that if I could save Lindsay from that giant boulder, I’d be a hero in her eyes. From that moment on I was resolved to act. I knew I could GAA
Lindsay: AHHHHHH!!!
Kevin: …Whoops.

Studying with Flashcards…

Mom: Okay, Kevin. I’ll hold up the card, and you read the word and tell me which periodic element it is. [Holds up card showing “Fe”]
Internal Monologue: It was hard remembering all the elements, but my mom cared about my education and she was always willing to…
Mom: Kevin! Can’t you even guess? This is an easy one.
Internal Monologue: Iron! It’s iron! Say iron!
Kevin: Phosphorus.
Internal Monologue: You fuckup. You fucking GAA dammit.

In Class…

Teacher: Okay, Kevin. Please show us how to solve this equation on the board.
Internal Monologue: Was he serious? I was no genius, how could I…
Teacher: Kevin, why are you staring into space? And where’s that warm, comforting background music coming from?
Kevin: Oh boy, this was getting bad fast.
Teacher: Who are you talking to and why are you speaking in the past tense?
Internal Monologue: Oh, nothing, Mr. Rhymer.
Kevin: Boy, that was close.
Teacher: Are you retarded or something?

On a Date…

Winnie Cooper: I had a great night, Kevin. We should do this again sometime.
Internal Monologue: Oh boy, she was leaning forward. Did she want me to kiss her? What if I leaned forward to kiss her and she pulled back? I knew this was a big moment and I was scared, but I had to make a decision before GAA
Winnie Cooper: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Internal Monologue: Wow, two boulders in one day. What are the odds? I should really stop taking people to the sunken edge of this gorge.

Gambling on Baseball Games…

Paul: Kevin, you’re crazy. The Seattle Pilots will never beat the Senators.
Kevin: I’m telling you. They’re gonna win the pennant.
Paul: Wanna bet 50 dollars?
Internal Monologue: Boy. This was a big decision. Did I want to gamble even though my father forbade it?…Wait, shit, I remember that A.L. pennant race. They lost! DON’T MAKE THE BET! DON’T MAKE THE BET!
Kevin: You’re on!
Internal Monologue: Aw, screw this, I’m gonna flash back to that episode where special guest gym teacher Robert Picardo taught sex ed and hilarity ensued. [Wistful sigh] Hilarity ensued.