I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This qualifies me for registration with the Disabled Students Program (DSP), which is the office that organizes academic accommodations like Extended Time Testing (ETT) and Note Taking Assistance (NTA) for students with Documented Learning Disabilities (TARDS). Because of my involvement with this program, I have often been persecuted by the students and faculty of this university by being granted accommodations I don’t deserve. Observe:
GSI: Brown, Joseph.
GSI: Brownstein, Aaron.
GSI: Oh, this says you’re DSP. Do you want extra time on the exams?
Me: I qualify for some extended time, yes.
GSI: What about a note taker? Do you need a note taker?
Me: I don’t really need that, but thanks.
GSI: Would you like a backrub?
Me: Uh, I don’t think that’s GAA
GSI: Can I titty-fuck you?
DSP Counselor: Okay, I’m going to be giving you keys to all the special facilities you’ll need to access.
DSP Counselor: Here’s the key to your distraction-free private testing room. It’s brand new and totally soundproof. The only downside is that there wasn’t anything available on campus. You’ll find it on Durant.
Me: This key says “Porsche.”
DSP Counselor: And here’s another key for the Club on the steering wheel.
In Theater Class
Professor: Okay Aaron, what monologue are you going to do for us today?
Me: I’m playing Hamlet.
Professor: I think that’s a bit advanced for you.
Me: Then I’ll do Biff from Death of a Salesman.
Professor: Look, you’re DSP…
Me: [Sighs] Okay, I’ll do the big-cock scene from Boogie Nights, again.
DSP Counselor: And here’s your key to the Disabled Washroom.
Me: Wait, aren’t there wheelchair-accessible restrooms all over campus?
DSP Counselor: Yeah, but this one has quilted toilet paper.
Me: What learning disability is that for?
DSP Counselor: Hemophilia.
Swim Team Tryouts
Me: I’m here to try out for the team.
Coach: Well, you’re DSP, and it’s pretty hard to swim in a wheelchair…
Me: I don’t have a wheelchair.
Coach: Also, this is the women’s team. Men’s tryouts are tomorrow.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Team Member: Oh my god! You’re disabled and trying out for the swim team? That’s SOOO brave! Can I titty-fuck you?
Me: Actually, I just have ADD.
Team Member: Oh, okay. Never mind.
Me: …ADD of the spine.
DSP Counselor: This last key is for GAA
Me: No, wait, let me guess. It’s for a hidden room in the Asian-American Studies building that serves as a free dry cleaner’s and opium den.
DSP Counselor: Actually GAA
Me: Or maybe it’s the top secret Department of Glory Hole Studies.
DSP Counselor: Well GAA
Me: Or maybe it unlocks the secret of eternal life! That’s it, isn’t it? Does that key unlock the door to the fountain of youth?!
DSP Counselor: No, no, of course not. You were right the first time.
Dean of Students: Okay, you’ve failed most of your classes here at Cal. I’m afraid we have no other choice. You have been expelled from the University of California, Berkeley.
Me: Wait! I’m DSP! Doesn’t that count for anything?!
Dean of Students: Oh! Why didn’t you say so before? I’m terribly sorry! YOU…HAVE…BEEN…EXPELLED…