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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 12- Issue 5

Oh, Those Alienated Teenagers!

March 1, 2003
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_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job in automotive sales. But for all the rest of us level-headed, fully matured college students, we can look back on our alienated teenager phases and laugh. Yes, there was a time when even Berkeley students were irrational and contrarian. In this spirit of reminiscence, let us look back at the awkward years of some noted authors. They too were somehow able to understand the unending vortex of emptiness and pain that only you could know. _

From Emily Dickinson’s private diary, age 13

June 12: I really like Bobby! He’s so cute!! But so is Jacob. I wonder which one I’ll marry.
June 13: My kitty died. It was real sad.
June 17: Death is a dialogue between the spirit and the dust. “Dissolve,” says death. From the haiku scrolls (“Keep out!”) of Lao Tzu, age 16:

Lotus petals float,

swimming in the summer breeze

I hate my parents.

From the correspondence of John Keats and an adolescent friend, apparently named “Marty”:

Note #1: HeY jOhN, wHaT R U dOiNg?

Note #2: Nothing. Curse this school-related busywork! I adore beautiful idolence!

Note #3: Why? Doing nothing sUx0rz!

Note #4: Oh but Marty, I don’t want to be in class. I want to run and jump and fondle my private bits all of the day! Yesternight I could do nothing save for daydreaming and staring at a Grecian urn of mine. I stared and stared until the figures became as moving figures on a carousel, except they were naked maidens! Verily, I reveled in my splend’rous youth, and masturbated!

Note #5: Dood, John, that’s all you ever do anymore. Seriously, it’s a problem. Chill. From a journal entry of Samuel Taylor Coleridge, age 14 > I was really bored today so I went down to the docks. It was cool ’cause I shot this huge albatross. Bam! Straight down, like a rock. When it fell at my feet, I just kind of looked at it. But it was boring so I went home. I hope Mom made potatoes for dinner. From Friedrich Nietzsche’s 10th grade class project entitled “Religion”: > Hey, church is pretty sweet.

Volume 12- Issue 5

Bush Concedes to Worldwide Protestors

March 1, 2003
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According to the White House, President Bush conceded that the recent anti-war protests were powerful enough for him to surrender his power as president to mob rule.

“The President has decided to relinquish the power of the executive branch of the United States government granted him as commander-in-chief and turn it over to global protestors,” said White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer.

Under the new Mob Rule Government, executive decisions concerning foreign diplomacy will require fractured special-interest groups to gather in large mobs in order to come to rational decisions on global policies. Protestors agree with the move.

One protestor explained, “The true essence of democracy is mob rule. I don’t care how many Starbucks I have to loot in order to get my point across, now I can enjoy my democracy with my stolen latte.”

In the letter released to the media, Bush explains that because “[he] was elected by you, the people of protesting mobs, I think it would only be fair to listen to your unorganized yet moving calls for power.”

Bush plans to send agents to global protests in order to understand what they are protesting. When the news is delivered to the White House he will respond accordingly.

Some early decisions that will probably be made include restarting and then immediately ending affirmative action, releasing Mumia while executing him, and an immediate disregard for national security.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Volume 12, Issue 4: Blast Into The Past

January 1, 2003
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Volume 12- Issue 4

God Sued for Creating Idiots

January 1, 2003
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Last week a suit was filed in federal court charging God with two charges of giving life to absolute fucking idiots. The two people in question are Gregory Rhymes and Tanya Ellington, the teenagers who recently brought a lawsuit against McDonald’s after they became obese by consuming huge quantities of fast food. The suit alleges that God, despite his divine foresight of all things to come, knowingly animated the two dipshits that would later go on to seek millions of dollars as a reward for stuffing their massive gullets with hedonistic amounts of horrible, horrible crap.

Legal charges filed against God include negligence for allowing such dangerously stupid people to cohabitate the earth with other competent individuals. These individuals, also known as “not total fucking morons”, are distinguished by their ability to comprehend that consuming large amounts of meat, salt, grease, and sugar leads to obesity. A possible adjunct charge is being mulled in the event that the two plaintiffs in the McDonald’s case ever mate, especially with each other. When reached for comment, Charles Darwin refused an interview on the basis that he was busy revising his theory of evolution to account for the benefits now received by the completely retarded. “Oh Christ, sweet fucking Christ”, he was heard to mutter.

In a related story, 17 attorneys general from different states have filed similar charges against God, claiming as evidence the Rev. Jesse Jackson, “No Blood for Oil” protestors, Teen People, and the fact that prop comic Carrot Top has yet to be hung by his scrotum from a tall, sturdy tree.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Things a Frat Boy Would Do With a Time Machine

January 1, 2003
  1. Wish for more wishes.
  2. Break up time machine into small parts; paddle each other with the remnants.
  3. Go back to that day that everybody got totally hammered and gotthe goat on the roof and then we played foosball until Chad got his dick caught in the goal, because that was awesome.
  4. Go back and pledge a better house than Sigma Nu.
  5. Give younger self own ID.
  6. Put the keg on it.
  7. Toga party , sodomy, with Socrates and Plato.
  8. Buy beer when it was a lot cheaper.
  9. Hotbox time machine, lose sense of time, smoke more weed, then go back in time and meet Jesus.
  10. Go back and have breakfast again, because it was really good.
Volume 12- Issue 4

Why Jesus is the most popular guy around

January 1, 2003
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There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ is the most popular guy around, even though he’s been dead for millions of years. And I’m not the only one because there are a lot of people that love Jesus as well. Most of these people are religious and don’t want to go to hell. But even if you are a hell bound atheist sinner, you still have to admit that Jesus is one cool dude.

Why, you ask? Because Jesus is a winner, and he strived to be the best. And everyone loves a winner. You see, Jesus dedicated his life to performing miracles, and he performed more miracles than anyone before or anyone since. It didn’t matter how big or small the miracle was; Jesus would perform miracles every day like it was game day. If you were hungry because you forgot to pack a lunch, Jesus would make bread and fish appear so you wouldn’t go hungry. How cool is that? That’s why so many people in Africa wished Jesus were still alive.

Say your bitch ass friends forgot to bring the booze like they were supposed to. If Jesus was at your party, then Jesus would make some schnapps out of water just like that. And if you’re bumming out because that slut from the party gave you some funny looking warts on your penis, just forget about it. Because Jesus will fix you right up. Don’t worry, Jesus doesn’t have to touch your penis to heal it; he doesn’t swing that way. Even if you fell into a ditch and accidentally died, Jesus would bring you back to life. And he would do all this for free, because he wanted to perform more miracles than anyone else. That’s how dedicated Jesus was to performing miracles.

How did Jesus get so good at performing miracles? This isn’t in the Bible, but rumor has it that Jesus traveled to Asia and hung out with the ruler of all Asia, King Confucius, who was really good at performing miracles. But Jesus was such a good learner, and so dedicated, that he soon performed miracles even better than King Confucius did. That’s why no one ever hears about King Confucius performing any miracles: Jesus got so much better that everyone forgot about King Confucius. So King Confucius decided to stop performing miracles and became a philosopher. But King Confucius was so bitter that he kicked Jesus out of Asia and made him go back to Europe.

Basically, if you think that Jesus isn’t cool, then you can just forget it! You’re are going to hell where Jesus’ immortal enemy, Satan, will cook you in really hot fire and eat you.

Volume 12- Issue 4

LeVar Burton Has No Friends

January 1, 2003
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LeVar Burton is a lonely, lonely man. For years, I watched him enrich the lives and minds of young and old alike as host of Reading Rainbow. He traveled to the farthest reaches of fantasy and brought imagination along with him. He always talked kindly and hopefully with the guests, but I could see that they never took him into their hearts. They probably only knew him as the black book fag. But LeVar is so much more than that.

One time, at the end of a medieval-themed episode, his guest dressed him in knight’s armor and gave him a horse and a lance with which to joust. But then LeVar merely charged the camera at an awkward angle and rode off screen to the haunting melody and lamenting butterfly that closed every show. Where was the other knight, LeVar? Where was the other knight?

I imagined that LeVar would just keep going after the screen flickered on to the next show, just keep riding on toward the horizon where friends – many friends, thousands of friends! – eagerly awaited his arrival so that they may frolic gaily in the fields of companionship. But somehow, I knew it wasn’t so. Somehow I knew LeVar only rode as far as his lonely green station wagon which he drove to his isolated home where he would sit down on his empty couch and masturbate to tapes of synchronized swimming competitions.

Somewhere far away, my heart sank.

But then, when Star Trek: The Next Generation first aired, my heart leapt as I’m sure did LeVar’s. A new show, and with it, new friends. He was cast as Geordi LaForge, the jubilant and kindly friend of all, not to mention the heart of the Star Friend-Ship Enterprise. At long last, I said, he has come home.

But I had spoken too soon. LeVar was to play a role for which he was altogether too well suited. Geordi was crippled with blindness, an ailment that gains the sympathy of all, but the friendship of none. The crew thought Geordi was blind from birth, but it was the bitter solitude hidden within that stole LeVar’s sight from him. LeVar was Geordi, Geordi was LeVar. And the man millions of viewers saw every week was GeorLeVar: The Unloved.

But do not fret! I will read to you LeVar. I will take a look in your book. Alas, it is blank. And rightly so, for no one has cared to lift a pen to its tender pages. Let my pen be the first to stroke your ? hey what the hell are you? I’m not gay, LeVar! Jesus Christ. Get away from me.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Am I Cooler than a Former Sitcom Star?

January 1, 2003
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Whenever I’m feeling down, I like to boost my self-esteem by comparing myself to other people. Perhaps that’s why I like alcoholics, the elderly, and people who play Counterstrike. Recently, however, I chose someone who would prove to be a tougher target (but just barely): Mario Lopez, better known as A.C. Slater from “Saved By the Bell.” At first I felt kind of bad about making fun of a dead guy, but then his agent assured me that he was, in fact, available for commercials, dunk tanks, bar mitzvahs, self defense classes, or defecating onto a paper plate in front of a crowd of people. But I’d have to bring the plate.

SLATER – Web Hits on Yahoo for “Mario Lopez”: 25,300
MATT – Web Hits on Yahoo for “Matt Loker”: 2

Yeah, I’d have 25,000 hits too if my name was “John Smith” or “lesbian peeing nipples.” By the by, his personal website is a blank page. Understandable, seeing as how web hosting prices are up to 40 dollars a month. At least they were the last time he had anywhere near 40 dollars. Winner: Him (Funny aside: “Last Updated: 25-May-1999”)

SLATER – Current Occupation: …Seriously?
MATT – Current Occupation: Computer Tech

Though a computer tech is hardly the sexiest of jobs, remember this: I drink scotch “for fun,” as opposed to “with my unemployment check.”
Winner: Me

**SLATER – Phone Number: 266-9666 Best Spelling: Bony Mom

MATT – Phone Number: 527-1439 Best Spelling: LA-71-HEY**

While it may seem that his is cooler because it doesn’t sound like something a quarterback would yell, bear this in mind: he has the MARK OF THE BEAST in his number. That, and the Bay Area is cooler than L.A. any day. L.A., of course, is area code 819. Not that that means anything.
Winner: Me

**SLATER – Best Movie of Career: “Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story” (1996)

MATT – Best Movie of Career: “Party at Matt’s House Where Matt Passes out in the Shower After 14 Shots of Jager” (2000)**

While my entry wasn’t a Hollywood movie per se, it’s still better than a cheesy TV biopic about a gay swimmer. I’d rather call up my mom and tell her I was in Pussyman’s Cocksucking Championship 8. As a janitor. Winner: Technically, Him (Another funny aside: a user comment on the IMDB reads as follows – “A beautiful and brilliant film. Mario Lopez’s acting ability is incredible and plays Greg Louganis with such sensitivity and emotion.” It’s nice to see that he takes the time to reflect on his own work.)

**SLATER – Attends UC Berkeley: No

MATT – Attends UC Berkeley: Yes I can’t believe the computer randomly chose this category! I mean, that’s just weird. Winner: Me**

**SLATER – Quote: “I love talking about women because they are a constant study and you’re always learning.”

MATT – Quote: “You’re fucking stupid.” As always, my witty rejoinder carries the day. Winner: Me**

That’s right, I win it 4-2. Hey, I feel better already. Next up: I challenge Jerry’s Kids to a kickboxing contest! The winner gets to keep all the wheelchairs.

One last funny aside: Slater’s co-star Screech from Saved by the Bell is actually named Dustin Diamond. No shit. When you’re filming something with a half-Mexican guy and someone named Dustin Diamond, they have a name for that: GAY PORNO.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Boo Cal Band, Boo

January 1, 2003
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For three football seasons now, I’ve put up with the Slovenian-army uniforms, the hats bought on clearance from Pierre’s Styles of the French Foreign Legion Boutique, and the damned high-stepping as if the entire gridiron were an Afghan minefield on which fifty St. Bernard’s with dysentery had done their business. But this year, Cal Band, you’ve gone too far.

As much as I loathe your langurous tempos and tendency to drag, and as much as that repetitive rat-tat-tat drum beat makes me want to sodomize my neighbor with a broken Amstel Light bottle, you’ve always been able to keep my interest with the purity and power of your music.

But why, oh why, did you have to go and do what you did at the Big Game? Here was your chance to come forward and perform the show of your life in front of a packed house of 70,000 cheering fans! You could have played your balls off, bringing the audience to its feet. You could’ve played a great show! Perhaps a medley of fight songs, or famous tunes from previous years of Cal greatness, or even a trite but witty collection of the Billboard Top 40 from 1995. Instead, you disappointed us all. You disappointed your parents, your friends, and your classmates, not to mention the wide-eyed members of that inner-city youth marching band who were standing in the end zone eagerly awaiting a stunnning performance from the (albeit self-described) “pace-setter of college marching bands.” At the very least you could have left them all with a sense that there was some meaning to those ten minutes of their life that you stole. Instead they got 150 geeky college kids awkwardly hacking through an arrangement of Nelly’s oh-so-seminal hit “Hot in Herre.” For shame.

Your performance shook my sensibilities to the very core. It wasn’t that your rhythm and tempo was squarer than Conan O’Brien eating a saltine covered in mayonnaise while doing the hokey-pokey and it wasn’t the fact that you cracked more notes than a note-cracker on crack; it was the fact that you danced. You stripped. You stomped about with a skill and unison only marginally better than that of the Cal Dance team. We shouldn’t have to see two dozen white and Asian bandos attempt to do a choreographed dance charade. First, learn to march to your sets together, then try dancing.

You may argue that you had a good crowd response to your performance, and this may be true. But it was not a pure response! They were not cheering your marching or your music, they were doing what any half-witted band of Philistines will do: they cheered your implied nudity. It didn’t matter that you were still dressed in more layers of fabric than 90% of the crowd, the simple act of faux-stripping will get cheers and laughs from even the most ignorant of audiences. It was a cheap, cheap, and shameful crowd reaction.

Oh, please do not treat this as just another mindless criticism. This is a call to action for those of you who truly desire to resurrect a once proud institution! You have grown complacent and formulaic and I’m here to give you a much needed (and well-deserved) kick in the pants. Onward and upward, Cal Band! Excelsior!

And no, I would not like to join.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Ole Timey Signage Not Olde Thimey Enough

January 1, 2003
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In a turn of events that stunned a small beach community, the Stinson Beach Downtown Association condemned shop owner Margaret Feffershim’s exterior signage, claiming it failed to comply with Article 7 of the association’s bylaws. The business under scrutiny was Mrs. Feffershim’s Downtown Antique Shop.

Said Michael Mitchell, president of the SBDA and co-owner of Pappy Mitchell’s Downtown Flamin’ Armadillo BBQ Hoe- Down, “Feffershim flagrantly violates this community’s legislation that states that ‘all businesses in District 12 must achieve an exterior visual quaintness factor of at least 14, as determined by the Stinson Beach Downtown Quaintness League.’ I’d say her shop earned a 6.8, 7 tops.”

The SBDA had been fielding numerous complaints from outraged citizens for months before confronting Feffershim about the scantness of her shop’s exterior. According to disgruntled Stinson Beach local Jean Moore, “The shop just doesn’t fit. There’s no character. Just brick. Where are the ducks pushing carraiges? Where are the cats playing cribbage? Where are the bears wearing tuxedos? That’s the kind of downhomey stuff I like to see.”

In lieu of featuring animals performing human activities, Mitchell said, the SBDQL has asked Feffershim to alter the spelling of her business to Mrs. Feffereshim’s Downetowne Anthyque Shoppe, in addition to making her sign the shape of a jaunty top hat. Continued Mitchell, “Maybe after the change she’ll fit in more with the other shops of the area, like Colonel Beauregard’s Downtown Country Georgia Plantation Venison Grill and Constable Peet’s Downtown Ammunition Surplus and Adult Novelty Gifts.”