Tips For Time Travelers

Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.

Always keep an almanac

While it can tell you a lot about what kind of weather to expect, its main use will be in predicting solar eclipses. This can be used to frighten superstitious townspeople. As a rule of thumb, solar eclipses will always occur moments before you are to be burned at the stake. If no solar eclipses are scheduled for that day, check the book again, it’s probably wrong.

Do not worry about linguistic problems

The 400 years separating us from Shakespeare may make him seem almost unintelligible, but this doesn’t mean he can’t be understood without years of training. First, “you” is only used in the plural sense whereas “thou” and “thee” are the subjective and objective version of “you” singular. Second, pronounce the now silent “e” when at the end of an unvoiced consonant. Third, try to pitch your voice up a couple octaves and talk really slowly like Kenneth Branagh in “Hamlet”.

Time paradoxes can be disorienting, but they should not be a worry

Why? Because they’re paradoxes. By definition they can’t exist. What? Do you think reality would bring something into existence that doesn’t exist? You must be some kind of idiot.

It is very important to bring along essential supplies

Most of these items can be purchased in the 30th century. They include an ALLFood SynthGA$A3 for nutritional needs, a CLEANAir RectifierGA$A3 for dealing with pre-oxygen environments, and a bottle of EVERClear Drink for when you want to get trashed. Some time periods are fucking boring.

Try to keep the timeline pure

This means following the old backpacker’s adage of “Take only pictures, leave only footprints.” Of course, if you’re on the moon during the 600’s, you may not want to leave any footprints either. Actually, you shouldn’t go to the moon during the 600’s anyway, since that was when the moon was all crappy.

Beware of diseases you may be unwittingly carrying back in time

Hanging out with Socrates is cool, but not if he drops dead of tuberculosis. Also, if you want to make love to any prehistoric men or women you may want to take a minute to think about it before you touch those stinky hairy apes, perv.

What if you are a cybernetically enhanced machine from the future sent to the past to protect the present and you accidentally get sent too far back?

There are many ways to pass the time. I have this one friend, Jeff, you can totally crash at his place if you want. Just as long as you’re “cool”, if you know what I mean.

Happy time-hopping!