Phil: … This guy told me, when you do DMT, if you take the threshold amount, it’s
like “elves de-cloak and take you to fairyland.” It’s supposed to be so fucking weird,
right? But it seems totally real. And it feels like it lasts, like, forever. Anyhow, I
bought some.
The Onset
Zack: Hey, so how long does this shit take to kick in, anyhow?
Phil: About 10 to 15 minutes, I think.
Zack: And how long has it been now?
Rubber Duck: [playing blackjack] About 10 to 15 minutes.
Zack: Huh!?
Rubber Duck: Hit me.
Learning to Cope
Zack: Duck, I don’t think I can take this much longer.
Rubber Duck: [now playing poker] You fold, chump?
Zack: No, I’m in.
Rubber Duck: Let’s see some chips, then.
Zack: I guess I’m out. I need a break anyhow.
Rubber Duck: Look, take this apple [pulls out a pear with “Apple” written on it], take it to Dr. Potatohead, he’ll sort you out.
Zack: I have learned to stop questioning reality.
Dr. Potatohead, Licensed Psychiatrist
Zack: Hi, Dr. Potatohead?
Dr. Potatohead: Take a seat, kid…. You know, I drank aftershave this morning.
Zack: Um, okay. So … do I start talking now?
Dr. Potatohead: Sure, talk away, whatever. Did I drink it on purpose? Of course not!
Zack: I just mean, look, I’m paying by the hour, and….
Dr. Potatohead: I swear, my mouth wasn’t there yesterday.
Zack: This is so weird. Look, I’m trying to keep it together, but I can’t handle this DMT stuff. It’s too harsh.
Dr. Potatohead: Jesus, last week I shaved off my eyeballs.
Zack: What? Dr. Potatohead: Have you ever seen a potatohead with its eyeballs shaved off?
Zack: Christ, no! But….
Dr. Potatohead: Well, neither have I. Because I fucking shaved my eyeballs off.
Zack: …
Dr. Potatohead: What’s the matter with me? It’s not like I can even grow a beard.
Zack: Of course not. You’re a Mr. Potatohead!
Dr. Potatohead: That’s Dr. Potatohead to you.
My Supportive Friend
Zack: I’m thinking about committing suicide.
Rubber Duck: Dude, nobody says that and means it. That’s just a cry for help.
Zack: I’m serious. I hate my life, and I don’t think it’s going to get any better.
Rubber Duck: Yeah yeah, “Pay attention to me! Pay attention to meeee!”
Zack: Look, I’ve got a noose right here.
Rubber Duck: Looks like a spotlight from where I’m standing, prima donna.
Zack: It’s around my neck! I’m going to kick this bucket out from under me!
Rubber Duck: Superstar! … Bro?
The Aftermath
Zack: … I was pseudo-dead for hours. It was the single worst experience of my life. Why did you let me do that to myself?
Phil: I seem to remember telling you that elves would de-cloak. Of course, I also seem to remember getting a speeding ticket from Officer Dippy Drinking Bird, so what do I know?
Phil’s Flashback
Phil: Is there a problem, officer?
Dippy Drinking Bird: [nod, nod, nod, nod]
