Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: Total Media Presence. My goal is to be mentioned in every possible Berkeley publication. I have been featuered in the Squelch, The Satellite, KALX, The Scoop, and even the The Daily Californian. There’s only one publication that stands in the way of my TMP: Hard Boiled.
Being a person who doesn’t affect Asian Pacific American issues in any way, I am at a disadvantage to, oh let’s say, any Asian person on this campus who has ever watched All American Girl. In trying to get referenced in HB, I recognized this barrier early on and made several plans to get my face in said magazine.
The first plan involved dating an Asian chick. This plan works on the assumption that being pertinent to Asian issues is kind of like an STD. I gave up on this idea when I realized that the only Asian girl who could ever have my heart is Hellen Jo, super-good comic strip writer for the HB. Hellen, from the first time I read your Komisches Buch, I knew you were the Asian girl for me. When you get over that tall lanky hapa-looking fellow you always feature in your book, give me a call. If my girlfriend answers, hang up.
I went over some other plans: protesting HB, joining the staff, writing a thoughtful but sarcastic book on the paradoxes of being Asian and American in the 21st century, but in the end I chose the simplest path: I’m turning Japanese.
Much like a flabby Sean Connery in the Bond flick You Only Live Twice I will undergo a series of procedures to become a 6’1″ member of the Asian-American community. I know, some of you are thinking, “Being Asian is a lot more than just looks.” On that point we agree my friends: it’s also about knowing karate. That’s why I’ve started karate lessons with famed Asian actor David Carradine, from TV’s Kung Fu.
But that’s not all. I’ve started taking classes to learn Japanese. Well, actually that’s not entirely true: I’ve started classes to learn a Japanese accent which really is just as useful. I’ve gotten that one hair cut and have started reparsing my Italian mother’s urgings to “mangia, mangia” as “study, study”. Also, I’ve preemptively started complaining about white guys taking all my chicks. It’s just too easy. At this rate I hope to be Korean by April, and progress to Japanese by May.
Of course, if that doesn’t work I suppose I could just write an inflammatory article in the Squelch.