Bates Apologizes for Mass Killings

Newly elected Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates has admitted responsiblity for the murders of 200 Berkeley citizens who had voted against him in the November election, along with the entire staff of the Daily Californian.

“There is no question that killing hundreds of people is absolutely inappropriate and unacceptable,” Bates stated. “I apologize on behalf of myself and my supporters for our involvement in this activity.”

The killings took place January 4, after the dissident voters and student journalists had been rounded up by armed members of a new city security bureau created by Bates. Student witnesses say Bates had lined up the victims in Lower Sproul Plaza on the UC Berkeley campus, then proceeded to personally execute them with a prolonged, gleeful spray of machine gun fire.

“It’s especially ironic he is about to murder so many people just a few feet away from the birthplace of the Free Speech Movement,” said Daily Cal Editor in Chief Rong-Gong Lin, II, condemning Bates’ actions immediately before his own death. Bates’ supporters noted that the mayor was under a great deal of stress and had expressed extreme embarassment for his actions. They also added that suppression of political opponents is nothing new.

“I’ve done the same thing more than once myself,” admitted Councilmember Betty Olds. “What people don’t seem to realize is that if you’re a progressive in Berkeley, the indisputable correctness of your ideology automatically justifies any action, and the Constitutional rights of anybody who disagrees with you are utterly meaningless, because they’re wrong.”