America is more polarized than ever before, and no issue is more divisive than the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud. Therefore, it is imperative to take an impartial look at the issues so fans can decide for themselves who deserves superstardom … Read More
Tag Archives: Kenny Byerly
Masturbator Retires Jessica Simpson Fantasy
After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.
“She’s still really … Read More
Bates Apologizes for Mass Killings
Newly elected Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates has admitted responsiblity for the murders of 200 Berkeley citizens who had voted against him in the November election, along with the entire staff of the Daily Californian.
“There is no question that killing … Read More
Jews Denounce Hitlur
For this year’s Holocaust Remembrance Day, Jewish groups have announced that they will show their Jewish spirit by amending the traditional spelling of “Hitler” to include a “u,” as in “Hitlur.”
“That’s pretty much how most people pronounce it anyway,” … Read More
Words From the Top
A Tad Bit Stupid
There’s something a lot of you are doing wrong, and it’s time you all know about it before your ignorance embarrasses me any further. Let’s start with the basics, with some friendly excerpts from Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary.
tad Function: … Read More
Second Oldest American Just Wants to Die Already
113-year old John McMorran lives a quiet life, having long since lost the powers of sight and hearing, as well as being bedridden since the age of 100. McMorran spends his days in a world of unfathomable boredom, except for … Read More
Words from the Top
Thongs: Wrong!
Ladies: it’s enough with the thongs already. Time was, thongs were a magical fantasy garment that existed only in the realm of the imagination–the underwear so buttock-revealing that it could scarcely be considered clothing at all. Just a few years … Read More
How Do I Get Rid of This Gun?
They say you just can’t get rid of a gun anymore. Used to be, disposing of a gun was easy. But nowadays, it’s all difficult and stuff. To test this theory, I have purchased a gun.
Trial 1: I throw … Read More
Roommate Impersonated on Instant Messenger
Berkeley student Roger Haines fraudulently represented himself as roommate Thomas Marx by writing messages using Marx’s AOL Instant Messenger screen name, sources reported Tuesday. Haines claims that he was merely using his roommate’s computer to print a document, and the … Read More
Point/Counterpoint
Our Dad’s New Girlfriend is Evil
Jesse and Jenny
Children
Dad, please, you’ve got to listen to us! I know you really like this new woman you’ve met, but please believe us when we tell you: she’s pure evil and … Read More
