Our Dad’s New Girlfriend is Evil

Jesse and Jenny

Dad, please, you’ve got to listen to us! I know you really like this new woman you’ve met, but please believe us when we tell you: she’s pure evil and the last thing you should do is marry her this Saturday.

We know, we know. She seems like she’s perfect for you. She’s beautiful, and kind, and affectionate, and even says she loves us, your kids, and we know you’re a big sucker for that stuff. We saw how you just melted when you introduced us for the first time and she gave us each big hugs. What you apparently didn’t see is the way we shivered with fright when she coolly whispered “I’ll be rid of you brats soon enough,” as she leaned in for each hug. You were too smitten even to notice the sudden terror on our faces as she pulled away.

Just think about it, Dad. Doesn’t it seem like she uses just a little too much hairspray and makeup? Haven’t you noticed how her too-immaculate wardrobe is composed of an inordinate number of red outfits?

I guess you never peeked through the crack of a partially-open door to overhear her conversations with a mysterious confidante, to whom she constantly boasts of her plan to have us shipped off to a boarding school in Switzerland once you marry her.

Come on, Dad. Snap out of it! Can’t you see the right girl for you is Mom? I can’t believe you two got divorced in the first place. Sure, she was mad you were neglecting her, and when you missed your anniversary dinner even after she gave you the ultimatum and you promised and promised that you would make it, she was definitely crushed. But you’re a changed man now, and if you give her a chance, I just know she’ll see it. Can’t you see how pretty and blonde mom is, and how naturally billowy and full of life her hair is, in contrast with the stiffl y molded coiffure of the hag you’re currently dating? Just one look at Mom, and you know you’re looking at a winner, who would never send us off to boarding school. To be honest, I don’t even know why boarding school is a threat when Mom lives just across town, but that just goes to show how evil this woman is.

Please, Dad. Call off the engagement before it’s too late. Don’t make us call Mom up and force her to drive recklessly across town in a last-ditch attempt to crash the wedding and make you realize you love her. Let’s make it easy on ourselves.

**I’ll Send Those Brats to Boarding School Yet **

Delilah Coldstone
Trophy Fiance

Oh, how I love children! Especially my fiance’s children, they’re just wonderful. As soon as I met them I knew they were adorable together, and that they would look wonderful in matching outfits. As I hugged them, I told them, “I’ll buy little blue hats, two’s enough!” It was an awkward sentence, but I think they got the message. They looked so frightened; I think maybe they were embarrassed about the idea of matching outfits. Even that was cute. I just know I’m going to love them even more as I get to know them.

Sometimes when I visit, I make sure to get dolled up just for them. No frumpy hippie clothes or messy, wild hair for me. Kids learn from example, so I want to be a good role model for little Jenny. So I’m dressing smart, professional, and clean-cut, with just enough makeup to look pretty. After all, I want them to know their daddy is getting someone who’s not only nice, but pretty, too. I know these kids want nothing but the best for their dad. Sure, sometimes I’ll toss in some red into the outfit, and I know that’s pretty flashy, but kids love bright colors–it shows them that I’m a fun person.

Oh, I have such great plans for them! I know this wonderful little boarding school in Switzerland where they can go right after we get married. They’ll just stay for the three-week summer program, of course–it’s just to give me and their daddy a bit of honeymoon time, after all, and I’d miss them myself if they were gone any longer. I went traveling when I was their age, and it was one of the best times of my life; I just know they’ll love it there. I saw one of them peeking when I was making the arrangements the other day; I’d better be careful or I’ll spoil their big surprise!

Well, only one week left until my big day. I’m so excited to be a stepmother. I’ll at least do a better job than their real mother did. Those poor dears were too young to realize how mentally unstable she was, and how much stress she caused their poor father. I don’t know what kind of lunatic schedules an anniversary dinner at 1:00 in the afternoon, three months before the date, without even telling her spouse about it, but she threw a fit when he missed it and finally, he realized he was dealing with a crazy person. Well, I say it’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

I love my fiance, and I love his kids so much! Saturday is going to be the best day of my life!