Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan: An Objective Look

America is more polarized than ever before, and no issue is more divisive than the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud. Therefore, it is imperative to take an impartial look at the issues so fans can decide for themselves who deserves superstardom and who deserves tabloid headlines about how drunk and knocked up she is. Both stars have their strengths, like being children.

Sure, Hilary Duff can draw on her Lizzie McGuire fanbase, but Lindsay Lohan has a lot going for her too, like the fact that she doesn’t look like Hilary Duff, and tits. Let’s compare track records. How has each star fared in her first foray outside the Disney banner? Duff starred in A Cinderella Story, coasting on the Disney/Cinderella association and appearing in posters wearing a white wedding dress and pink sneakers. Thumbs up for the pink Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars, thumbs down for the thought of Hilary Duff’s awful feet inside them.

Lohan, on the other hand, headlined the Tina Fey-penned Mean Girls, a complex, edgy comedy satirizing the idiotic behavior of teenage girls. Like anything up to and including a snuff film, Mean Girls is better than A Cinderella Story, ergo, Hilary Duff sucks, but not on any of my appendages, because I would prefer Lindsay Lohan for that, if I were single and Lindsay Lohan wanted to, or lost her voice and couldn’t scream.

On the matter of music careers: I cannot name a Lindsay Lohan song, but I have heard the Hilary Duff song “So Yesterday.” Advantage: Lohan.

Unlike Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan has spared us months of distracting countdown websites by turning eighteen promptly after becoming a sex symbol. Admittedly, Lindsay Lohan has grown chunkier of late. But would you rather have sex with a voluptuous hot chick or a skinny toxic mutant? Me too (I am assuming you did not choose the mutant). Besides, look at Lindsay Lohan’s tits. They are huge. There is even a chance they are not fake, and that the prominent scars in those paparazzi pictures are merely under-breast redness with a perfectly non-surgical explanation. You can believe what you like, as long as it is this.

To sum up, if you think Hilary Duff is an object of lust you are an idiot. It’s fine if you’re a young girl and you admire her ordinariness because it makes her a more realistic role model, like those ugly dolls that they tried to sell instead of Barbie to improve girls’ self-esteem. Hilary Duff has no shape, fat ankles, and an ugly face, and the only possible appeal is that she’s jailbait, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I am normally. What I am trying to say is that if I were single and having sex with seventeen-year-olds were okay and Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan each asked me to have sex, I would say “Yes” to Lindsay Lohan and “No” to Hilary Duff.

In conclusion, I hope the Parole Board feels that I’m ready to be released back into society, and I will never visit that theater again.